Dementia:
Noun, singular.
1. Impairment of memory and other cognitive abilities.
2. Worst cop-out in the world, ever.
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When I think back on all the times
I held my tongue and said nothing;
or I lied saying, "you're right, Dad,"
each time I didn't question anything you said
in order to avoid your suspicion and judgment;
I struggled to honor you as my Father,
but lost a little respect for you as a person.
I thought I had found peace with that;
I had found a way to accept you
for who you were (and were not) to me,
to show you love even if you didn't understand,
to digress to your authority when
all you had was irrational, judgmental blame.
It was a broken system, but it worked (for a time).
But when I realize you are gone,
that I lost my chance to tell you
just how fucked up you made me feel,
I want to yell at you 'til you weep
for all the times you made me cry.
But you're on a one-way trip to
Nowhere Land, the funny farm, Shangri-fucking-la.
We were supposed to have more time.
We might have become friends again,
I might have learned to respect you, again,
you might have finally tried to explain
what it means to be a man (too late)
and I would have finally had the chance
to say, "Thanks for not being there, Dad."
---
I love you.
I hate that I can't tell you
how much I needed you.
You are going away,
leaving the rest of us alone
and I can't even ask you why.
I just want to hear you say, "goodbye."
~~~~~
"Names and places have been changed to protect the guilty."
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