Okay, listen up. I appreciate the fact that you people are sending me your problems, and I am more than happy to help you all out, but here's the deal: stop sending me three page long emails. State the minimum amount of background info needed, and your problem. That's all I need. Oh, and of course compliments are always welcome. :) But seriously, I just don't have room to put your entire biography. End rant. Begin advice.


Q: Okay girly, answer me this (if you please)....why do we always want what we cannot have?

A: I could give you a big spiel about how the grass is always greener, blah blah blah, but I'm not going to. That would just be repeating your question in answer form. You already know that the grass is greener on the other side. You want to know why.

The way I see it, there are two basic reasons why the grass is greener on the other side. One reason is that what you can't have is new. Let me explain. Cause I know all of you are confused now. When you were a little kid, and you went over to your friend's house to play with his G.I. Joe guys, his action figures seemed better than yours did, because they were different. They were new to you. You hadn't already spent hundreds of hours trying to melt HIS guys in the microwave. So it had that excitement of something new.

The other reason the grass appears greener on the other side is because you can't see weeds on the lawn unless lying on it. I know, I know, I'm confusing you again. Let me use another completely abstract analogy to elaborate. When you see a cute guy, you want to date him (unless you are a heterosexual male. If you are, just play along with the analogy and quit you're whining.) Anyway, as I was saying, even if you are already dating someone you care about, when you see someone else that's attractive, you want that person. Why? Partially because of the newness, but also because you don't know about this new guy's faults. See your boyfriend isn't perfect, and you know that. He farts, and he chews with his mouth open and he tortures your cat when you're not in the room. This other guy probably does that shit too, but you don't know that. You don't know about his faults yet, so he seems a lot more perfect than your current boyfriend. But he's not. So stick with the slob you're dating.

So kids, the moral to the story is that the grass really is greener on the other side- but only because the neighbours use Miracle Gro, those bastards. We'll have a nice lesson on how to trash their lawn in next weeks column, but now it's time to end the philosophy lesson and move on to our next question.


Q: what is it that girls want? i mean really, they often say they want something, like a rose, or a wonderful night on the town, but no mater what it is you do, there always seems to be something else out there that they want more. do you know what this is?

A: I can't honestly tell you that I know exactly what every chick wants. I don't know if there is one universal thing that every chick in the world wants. But I can tell you what most chicks want. They want the impossible. They want a guy who will tell her that she is sexy, but never look at her body as a sexual object. She wants a guy who will be warm, and sensitive, and caring, but will also kick the living shit out of her ex-boyfriend. Chicks are walking, breathing paradoxes, and that's how they want their men to be too. But since you probably can't live up to that standard, roses and a night on the town is probably the best you're going to do.

Q: well, you said you give advice, so here goes: alright, i'm a 16 year old guy, and i just cannot ever work up the balls to ask a girl on a date. i've tried a couple times, and you wouldn't believe how fuggin stupid i looked. well, thanks for your time.

A: Don't worry about looking stupid. And never be afraid to ask a girl out, unless she's dating someone who outweighs you by more than fifty pounds. Guys are always worried about getting rejected and whatever. Who cares? Go for it. If the dumb bitch is too stupid to say yes, then she can just take an express train to hell. Have so self-esteem. Forget about what everyone else thinks. Just go for it. Chicks dig a guy who has the self-confidence to just go for it. I know it's shitty advice, but it's the best I can give you. This is one of those impossible problems that has no real solution, so you'll just have to go for it. Fuck'em all if they have a problem with it.