First, as always, I would like to start off this column by ranting. Quite recently, I was dragged (albeit willingly) to the monstrosity that is known as the Mall of America. I saw many disturbing things. Too many to detail right now. But one thing really stood out as being just wickedly out of place. Five words: sushi in the food court. Now I will say, if you plan on eating sushi at the mall, in the food court, you might as well just walk up to the counter and order your E. coli straight up, skip the fish. As if that weren't erroneous enough, the alleged "sushi bar" also served country fried steak. Do I even need to go into how many things are wrong with that? Okay. Enough. This week's column is dedicated to revenge, and the many ways to get it. Let me say right now that if you get grounded, arrested or deported as a result of using any of these techniques, I take no responsibility. These are just ideas. I don't condemn or condone them.


Q: well,hmm...where the fuck do i start? my boyfriend is a fucking frat asshole (that's good i suppose he gets on my fucking nerves, jesus christ. yeah baby, i'll be home around 2 am..he comes in at 5 am and has the scent of pot on his clothes. damn jesus fuck. okk ....breath in, breath out...(got a machine head.. god bush sucks) so....do u think i can get away with killing him if i tell the judge he was causing me mental stress?

A: One word for you honey: SEDATIVES!! Seriously though, why kill him when dumping him will do just as well? I'm not lying when I tell you that revenge is better than killing him, and if you do it right, the revenge will make him wish he were dead. Consult the sections below for the revenge most suitable to your situation.

Q: what, in your opinion, is the best way to get revenge on a male acquaintance (from a female)? i want something creative, practical and BRUTAL!

A: Brutal is my specialty. On today's menu:

For the girl who has been wronged by her man-

The Back-stabbing Bitch Trick- Dating his friends is always harsh, although you have to be prepared for the fact that doing this usually gives you a bad reputation. If you already have a bad reputation, then go for it.

Hello, My Name Is Jill And I'm A LesbianÉ- Another great way to get back at a lousy boyfriend is to get one of your friends to pretend to be your girlfriend for a while. Go on a few dates with her, hold her hand in public and put rainbow stickers on your backpack. Spread the rumour that he turned you into a lesbian. Warning: this stunt is not for those with no sense of adventure in their lives. I also do not recommend it if you live in an area with a high concentration of Evangelical Christians. On the upside however, if you do this one right, you can get a lot of guys who want to go out with you, because they all want to prove that they are such a big man that they can make you straight again. Guys are funny that way.

These tricks may sound benign, since there isn't any actual bloodshed or anything, but believe me, you can't injure a man more than when you fuck with his ego. Or his best friend. :)

I received the following suggestions in my email courtesy of our dear old Smitty. I have to give the boy credit. He's the most devious motherfucker I know, and I'd be proud to have him as a partner in crime. These will work for any kind of basic revenge you need to get on anybody.

The Tire Trick-
If you, or someone you knew, were truly evil, I'd consider the following revenge: You'll need: A valve stem tool (about 2 bucks at AutoZone/Canadian Tire) a bicycle pump, some water.
Find his car. You'll need about 20 minutes uninterrupted and unsupervised time.
Remove the valve stem from the front right tire. The tire will deflate. Then pour as much water as you can into the tire carcass. Valve stem at the top of the tire is best, but don't try and fill the tire with water, just about 2 liters should do.
Reinsert the valve stem and pump the tire back up to 28 or so pounds. Go away.
The water inside the tire acts like a gyroscope, spinning. At highway speed this mass of water causes just enough vibration and increased steering effort to be noticeable and annoying but not dangerous.
Numbnuts will take the car to the mechanic who will:
Probably change shocks (which won't fix it)
Probably change constant velocity (CV) joints (which won't fix it)
Probably change wheel bearings (which won't fix it)
Probably change other suspension components like springs or bushings (which won't fix it)
Probably change the steering rack (which won't fix it)
Rotate the tires (which move the problem to the right rear and won't fix it)
Sell him a new set of tires, which will solve it
Total cost to Schmuck-Boy: $2,500 to $3,000 in useless repairs and about a month or two of Unhappy Motoring.

Hit the fucker in the wallet.

The Flaming Lawn Trick-
This is not for the novice prankster and is VERY DANGEROUS
Very quickly douse the victim's front lawn with Coleman Stove Fuel (naphtha, which has a very low vaporization point) and ring the doorbell. Wait two beats, and then toss a burning book of matches on the lawn. The whole lawn lights up in flames about 4 feet high then extinguishes itself in about 5 seconds.
Timed right, less than a minute from dousing to flaming matchbook, the victim opens the door and sees his/her entire front lawn in flames, then it miraculously goes out.

And of course, to get back at those rich enemies of yoursÉ

The Foaming Pool Prank-
Big paper grocery bag filled with about 3 pounds of really cheap laundry detergent. Tossed over the fence, into the pool at night and left to fend for itself till morning. Wake up and the pool filter, bubbler and pump has created a backyard full of soap foam about 5 feet deep.

Classic. So there you have it. All of these pranks have been tested out in the real world, and work. I would like to thank Smitty again for his contributions, my friend for dragging me to the Temple of Capitalism so that I would have a good rant this week, and to hell with the rest of you. :)