Fuck all you guys. Smjor is overtired and crabby today. Over the weekend I was called out on an impromptu road trip to rescue some stranded friends in Chicago. Let me tell you, road trips may sound like fun, but they aren't, at least not if five of the seven hours is driving through Wisconsin.

I would like to start this rant off by saying that Wisconsin sucks. I apologize to all the loyal fans of mine that live in Wisconsin, but it sucks there. Miles and miles of nothing but stupidly named restaurants and hokey roadside attractions. Also, what the fuck is up with your cops? My chauffeur and I got pulled over for doing 85 in a 65 zone. The middle of fucking nowhere, just outside of Menomonee and this do-gooder CHiPs star wannabe pulls us over and fines us $224.30. What the hell is the 30 cents for? I tell you, it was the biggest crock of shit ever. So of course the rest of the trip is spent driving at exactly the speed limit because we are both so paranoid of getting pulled over again, so what could have been a five-hour trip at 85mph turns into an eight-hour descent into hell. Also, I'd just like to say that Madison sucks. I was very disappointed. You would think that the birthplace of the world's most distinguished newspaper, The Onion, would have a little better scenery and slightly smarter inhabitants.

On the bright side, I did get to eat in an IHOP. Unfortunately, this was the highlight of the actual road trip, so that just goes to show that this was a pretty shitty trip.

So we leave Madison and journey on. Drive, drive and drive some more. Milwaukee was a little better, and it was kind of cool to see the back drop of "Laverne and Shirley" firsthand, but other than that everything was boring. I would like to mention though, that as soon as we crossed the border into Illinois, everything got better immediately.

So we make if to Chicago, and we're driving down I-90 through the city thinking that we're home free. Ha. It turns out that our handy dandy mapquest directions were fucked. We ended up driving straight through Chicago trying to find our exit and we ended up in Indiana. The only good thing about Indiana is that it makes Wisconsin seem really great in comparison. So after about two hours of being lost we finally break down and call the people we are supposed to be rescuing and they give us good directions and we make our way back into Chicago.

A little note about Chicago: the traffic is insane. I will never drive a car in that city, mostly because I value my own life. Also, there is no fucking place to park. Despite these things, it's a pretty cool city, and if you're a cute chick like me you can sometimes get a free meal at a nice restaurant (Thanks Eddie!) Also, I would like to say thanks to Ripe-with-decay for the hospitality he extended to my travelling partner and me and for the use of his shower. :)

So that's my rant about road trips. You see I'm still pretty fried from three days with no sleep, so I decided to just basically make this week a ranting week. But I got a special request begging me to answer this question promptly, so I'm going to give out a little advice and that's all. If you don't like it, piss off.



Q: my ex-gf and i were talking about sex and other such wonderous subjects the other night, and she made a strange proposition... she wants to have a "relationship" based off of sex, nothing else. she's only in my area once every couple weeks or so, so it's not like we'd see each other all the time. it doesn't look like we'd be getting emotionally involved, and she says that if we find someone else, we'll stop. would it work?

A: Firstly I would like to comment on how strange it is that you still communicate in an apparently civil manner with your ex-girlfriend. I do know a few people who do this, but they are either fucked in the head or total pushovers. I'm not sure which one you are. :) Anyway, your question was "would it work?" I can't predict the future, but I'm still going to say no. Firstly, she's your ex-girlfriend. That means that at one time you were emotionally attached to her. And if you're still communicating with her, I'm guessing that you probably still are somewhat attached to her. Which means that you've already voided one of the clauses of the contract right out of the starting gate. Secondly, that crap about "if we find someone else, we'll stop" never works. Here's why: earlier, I said that you were either fucked in the head or you're a pushover. If you are fucked in the head, you are going to keep having sex with her even after you find someone new just because you are fucked up and have no sense of proper boundaries in a relationship. If you are a pushover, you are going to keep having sex with her even after you find someone else because you won't want to just leave her hanging because you are such a nice guy. Either way you're fucking everything up. So I say don't do it. But it's your life, and if you want to go for it, then go for it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.