Obviously I haven't been diligent in my duties as an advice columnist lately. I apologize, but I've been busy. I'm not getting paid to do this, so it kinda takes a back seat to more important things, like paying rent and sleeping once in a while. Anyway, this week I'm feeling particularly vicious, so I thought I would just pick out a few of the worst emails I've gotten lately, and just rip these morons to shreds. Originally this column was slated to be a lot nastier, with my including the email addresses of these pudding-brained assholes, but I was talked out of that by a few of my more level headed colleagues.


Q: I've been buds with my friend for 8 years and he's had his girlfriend for about 6 of them, well before he got with this girl me and her used to mess around a little, not sex but about everything else. So im real good friends with the couple, about 6 months ago, i got her a job where I work, well, after work we've been going to the bar, or to the store and getting alcohol and driving to the park and drinking and fucking in her car. I mean every night, she's not getting home to him until 10pm, in a fit of retardedness, i've bragged to some of our mutual friends, because this girl is real hot. So me and my friends relationship is kind of rocky cos im keeping his girl out late everynite, im all paranoid that one of my dumbass friends is gonna slip and tell him in drunken revelry. I'd tell him, but I know he wouldnt understand and it would fuck off their 6 year relationship plus fuck our friendship, I know she loves him, because i've told her to break it off with him if she was so unhappy but she wont do it, (their problems stem from him getting a job and never spending time with her, always out with the boys on the weekend). Anyways I have this guilt, I don't kick it with my friends anymore, my only link to them is her now, and it sure is hard to tell her no when im buzzing off beer and she's got her hand down my pants. What would you do if you were me? Thanks for any advice, love ur column

A: To this I say you deserve to be incarcerated in a prison for ass-raping monkeys. You are not worth the thin shit that dribbles from your ass. You are not only a complete asshole for fucking your friend's girl, you are a complete fucking moron for telling anyone. You deserve whatever bad things come to you.


Q: I'm sorry if the Midwest was so boring compared to the carnival that is Canada. Just because you had a bad trip doesn't mean you can rip on two states that are not as boring as some of the other states I've driven through. I live in Kansas City and go to school at Indiana University and I have to drive 8 hours through shit that makes Wisconsin look interesting. Have you ever been about an hour and a half south of Chicago... Dear God you can see a cow in Iowa from the middle of the state, it is really that flat, and unless you are really into corn and soy beans you are in for a long ride. And Missouri, if you thought Wisconson was tacky... there is a Stucky's every 5 miles, each with $5 tee-shirts and fat truckers eating at crappy DQ's. Other than that, there are about 40 signs for a store selling Walnut Bowls... Walnut Bowls! Are they bowls made of walnuts, or are they bowls made to hold walnuts, individually or groups and if you think about that two long you will swerve your car into oncoming traffic. And I don't have to drive through Kansas, Nebraska, Montana, and some other states that would make your trip seem like an hour in florida. Besides I didn't realize that driving through Canada was so great that our industrialized country would look so shitty. I've seen pictures... I'm not too impressed. So don't you take your bad trip out on the midwest, it could be worse, you could be picking up people in Saudi Arabia.

A: I didn't know that they allotted this much stupidity to one person when they doled out the intelligence. Not only did you waste your time giving me a lecture that I'm not about to listen to; your lecture was pointless. I don't live in Canada, fuckface. If you had actually taken the time to scroll down to the bottom of my column to read my info, you would see that I'm from the United States. Not only am I from the United States, I'm from the godddamned Midwest. Your rant is thus completely void and pointless. Ha ha.


Q: hey dude, i am having a real problem with chicks. i cant get em. the thing is, im told "you should be a model", and "your so hot you can get any chick". but the thing is, i am too fuckin fickle. for some reason i am on a search for a perfect girl. i know that no one is perfect, but shit, i cant be pleased with any of the girls ive been with. i always think i can do better. what the fuck should i do?

A: Become a priest and save the females of the world the risk of ever having to date someone as stuck-up and egotistical as you. You suck. You have problems with chicks because you are a megalomaniacal bastard who can't get over his own perceived greatness. I guarantee you that your problems with chicks will continue until you humble yourself a bit and realize that you are not god's gift to everyone. And if you really are so attractive that you could be a model, why aren't you one? Yeah, that's what I thought.


Okay, I'm done ranting. God it's nice to have an outlet for all of my pent up aggressions. Anyway, you people have been falling down on the job. I haven't gotten a decent question for weeks. Oh, and to all you people who have been emailing me wanting to know all about how Grey and I hooked up and all the other juicy details, you're just going to have to wait. I'm not sure if I'm going to put that in a column or not. It's really none of your goddamned business, but at the same time I love to gossip, so it's a tossup as to whether or not that will ever be published.

Oh, and a quick note before I go. I wrote in my last column that Grey and I got both got pierced while he was in town here. Since then I've gotten a lot of emails asking where each of us got pierced, so I figured I'd share, since the info seems to be in high demand. I got my eyebrow pierced for the second time (yes, two rings in one eyebrow) and Grey got his ear pierced. He cried like a baby. :)