Yeah, Smjor's been in a bad mood lately. But today she's actually pretty happy, so this might not be so bad. Some of you may have noticed that I've been slightly more active on the boards lately. I've always read them, but until lately I was just too damned lazy to bother posting anything. Anyway, thatâs not my point. I saw a message on a board the other day that kind of disturbed me. Someone said something to the effect of "I would have sent this problem to Smjor, but I feared the excoriation that would follow." This makes me sad, because I think I may have scared off a few of my more delicate readers. Yeah, I've been a crabby bitch the past few weeks. But if you send me a decent question with some decent grammar, there is nothing to fear. So seriously, just chill out and send in your goddamn questions.

Now for my weekly rant. I hate people who drink coffee. They are, by far, the nastiest, most disrespectful customers I have ever had the displeasure to "serve." I work in a coffee shop, and like anyplace else, things don't always run perfectly. Sometimes we run out of things, sometimes we are understaffed and service is slow, sometimes we just don't give a shit how you want your cappuccino. But in the past two weeks, I have received more verbal abuse, threats to talk to my manager and dirty looks than I have in any other job I've held. So to all of you caffeine starved people who are craving their next fix, fuck off. I'm sick of you giving me shit because you're double almond latte isn't being made fast enough, and no, I won't put an extra shot in it just as a favour. Maybe if you cheap ass fuckers would tip me once in a goddamn while I would be happier to oblige, but since I can't seem to beg a fucking dime off of you people, then fuck you, I don't care if you want your cappuccino extra-dry, and I don't care if you want whip cream on that, and no, you can't jump to the front of the line just because your child is a spoiled brat who has no concept of waiting, and if one more person verbally attacks me because I am bi, or pierced, or just not their ideal person, I'm going to fucking scream. AND QUIT THROWING THINGS AT ME, GODDAMNIT!

All right. I'm done. Now the advice.



Q: it must be amazingly cathartic to handle people in such ways. i'm always amazed and constatly vexed by stupid people. hell, they just piss me off. how can i luck out and get such a job?
by the way, why earings in your eyebrow? it always looks like someone should hang a shower curtain.

A: Let me just start out by saying that when you are asking someone to do you a favour (like hook you up with a column on WTF, itâs not a great idea to end the email with an insult to the way they look. But I digress. I've gotten at least five emails from different people begging me for a column position of their own. Quit asking me. I don't hand these things out. That's the job of the admin. I do peruse potential candidates and give my opinions, so a little dick sucking in my direction won't hurt your chances, but the final decision is the admin's. In short, if you have a basic grasp of spelling, grammar and the other fundamentals of writing, and you'd like a column, submit a piece of work to the admin and pray to the gods that you won't be shot down like a fugitive scrambling for the border.


Q: What you got here is a 15/m who always has this nasty habit of falling completely for a chica... but for no goddamned reason whatsoever. Then i become a depressed asshole until I tell them, and when I do, whether they want to persue a relationship or not, the feelings just seem to fade away... Put that in your column and smoke it.

A: I am completely sympathetic to your plight. I understand how it is to pursue someone vigorously, and then lose interest as soon as that person begins to return your feelings. This is known as the thrill of the hunt. As far as I am concerned, it's one of the best parts of dating. Unfortunately, people like you and me are cursed. We are addicted to the thrill of actually trying to get someone. Once we have that someone, the thrill is disappears, along with our interest in the person. This is usually a good indication that the person wasn't right for you in the first place. I don't really have an advice for you, since there really is no cure for this sort of thing. However, I will reassure that the day will come when you will meet someone who holds your interest long past the initial courtship, but until then, you'll just have to deal with it.


Q: I am a complete moron... What would constitute a good question?

A: Okay, the first part of your statement goes without saying. As for what would constitute a good question: not that. However, I applaud you for knowing, and being able to properly spell a word with more than five letters. You're doing better than a lot of my readers.