Smjör!
"Truth does not need any explanation. It needs only to be seen."
I've been getting a lot of shit lately. I'm used to getting shit in my inbox. With the good inevitably comes the bad, right? That's all fine and well. I'm used to that. But I've noticed a definite shift in who my detractors have been. It seems that all these cocky newbies who have suddenly appeared out of fucking nowhere think that they have the right to come in here and get all over my ass and tell me what I'm doing wrong. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for questioning the "system" and the old ways and all that shit, but there is a definite difference between intelligently questioning the way something is, and just spouting off a bunch of insults and obscenities. So to all you newbies who have been giving me shit, fuck off. I don't give a shit about you, and until you've proven that you have found a more constructive way of giving me criticism and learned a little fucking respect you can just go suck fred shapiro's miniscule dick for all I care. Right. That said...
A little private note to DarlingissimA: I feel your pain, totally. Us coffee-drones don't get the credit we deserve, but know that at the very least I am sympathizing with you. :)
I know that a lot of you have been frustrated with me because I haven't been handing out advice as much as I should, given my title as advice columnist. I apologize, and to make up for it I made sure that I have plenty of advice in this column. But before that, I have a few things that I want to say. They may not seem terribly important to you all, but since it's my column I get to write about whatever I want, and if you don't like it, then close this window, nobody's forcing you to read this.
I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be doing this column. Maybe I'll end up doing it forever and ever and maybe not. In the future, for a little while at least, it's probably going to be a lot more sporadic, appearing whenever I decide to write a column. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and frankly, it's quite distracting. Add to that the chaos of a family feud that I'm trapped in the middle of, a job that literally drains the life force out of me and a long distance relationship that makes me feel hollow inside due to the lack of something vital in my life, and my environment isn't conducive to being able to write good columns.
On the other hand however, those of you who have been complaining about my attitude and what not should rejoice. I feel a metamorphosis in the works, and I'm pretty sure that my outlook on life is about to change. Hopefully I won't go the way of the unfortunate Mr. Samsa and end up a Kafka-esque monstrosity, but if that's the way it works out, so be it. Over the past forty-eight hours, I've experienced a rather disturbing sequence of events that have brought the status of the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of my life to a boiling point. I'm not some mystic who reads meaning into every little thing that happens in my life (although maybe I should) but even I'm not arrogant enough to write these things off as mere coincidences and just forget about them. I've come to the realization that some of the things that have been happening in my life, some of the things I've been doing, some of the things that I've let happen in my life, they need to stop. Some of you who are close to me and know me well might think that you know what I'm talking about, but trust me, you do not. This goes far deeper than mere outward actions. But I guess what I'm trying to say here is that things are about to change, and a lot of that is probably going to end up reflected in my column. The bitter, cynical bitch that you've all come to love is probably going to start to transform into something different, hopefully something better.
Now on to what you all came here for, the advice:
Q: I'm a 18 year old female. My problem has to do with my boyfriend of six months. He's a wonderful guy and all, and I know he loves me, but we have one serious unresolved issue - his friends. The first time I met his friends, they all had a bit too much to drink, and started making fun of me because I'm Chinese, and ended up calling me a chink and even spitting in my face. When I confronted my boyfriend with this, he promised to talk to them and evidently did, because it hasn't happened since. However, he still hangs out with them a lot, and although they are nice to me they still make racist comments. I can't stand being around these people, but whenever he goes out, it's with them and he gets terribly hurt if I don't want to go. Is it unfair of me to expect him to dump his friends? What should I do? Please please help.
A: It is unfair for you to expect him to dump his friends. But it's also unfair of him to get upset when you don't want to be around these assholes, and it's unfair of him not to defend you when they say things that are blatantly offensive to you. What you need to do is lay down the law. Tell him that you don't mind him hanging out with his nasty friends all he wants, but that you don't want to be expected to hang out with them too. If he gets pissed or hurt, tell him that until they change their rude behavior it's just not going to happen. I don't endorse racism in any way, I think it's stupid and the sign of a true imbecile, but people are entitled to their opinions, and in the name of free speech I try to leave it at that. But when you make a racist remark, such as calling an asian person a chink, that's just bad manners. Would your boyfriend tolerate them walking up to you and saying something like, " wow, you sure are a nasty looking whore." Of course not (let's hope) so why should it be okay for them to offend you by insulting your heritage? That's total bullshit. As for his friends spitting in your face, that's just outright unacceptable, and I hope you spit right back at them.
Q: How do I tell someone that they are a complete fucking idiot without pissing off their friends (the people I work for)?
A: The answer is, you don't. You just silently resent them, treat them like inferiors (if the person really is a fucking idiot he/she won't even know you're being insulting) and live happily knowing that you are a better person. Welcome to the real world. This is what life is all about, kissing ass to people you hate and pretending to be inferior to morons. But take heart, the guy in the cubicle next to you is probably asking the same question about you.
Q: i know you've almost given up the whole advice thing, and you've answered alot of questions like this already, but i've got nothing to loose so here it goes. i've been dating a girl on a casual basis for the past 2 months. i've known her for about 7 years and i've been interested in her for pretty much all that time. after 3 failed relationships, i finally got up the nerve to ask her out. this is my first encounter with actual casual dating. in the past things have tended to just happen without much effort on my part, but then again things have always come to a rather nasty end as well. i really don't want to screw this one up and because of that i've been taking things slowly, very fucking slowly. i haven't even kissed her yet if that's any indication. we're both very busy between jobs and classes so i'm not sure if we have enough time for a serious relationship, at least not until the semester is over about a month from now. i know i should talk to her about it, but when? i don't want to scare her away by dumping all my emotional buildup on her at once, i don't want to make her feel like i'm not really interested by not making any sort of move on her like i've been doing, and i don't want to move on to something more when i'm not sure if we have enough free time to really get on with it. the whole deal is further complicated by the fact that i CAN have a good time with her without anything physical, which is a bit of a change for me. i'm new to all this shit and i have no idea what i'm doing, so any advice would be appreciated, even if you just tell me that i'm fucked up beyond any hope. oh, i'm a 20 year old male in case it matters. even if you don't answer this, thanks for your time, i know you'll at least read it.
Q: so tell her the truth. Find an hour of spare time between you both and tell her what your deal is. Write out flashcards for her if you feel the need, with phrases like "I DO like you a lot" and "I'm not putting the moves on you yet cause I don't want to mess things up." Explain clearly and truthfully everything, from the part about enjoying being with her without sex to the part about how you would like to at least kiss her but you're scared of messing it up to the part about maybe not having the time for a serious relationship. Give her the good and the bad, the pleasant and the ugly. In every kind of relationship there is a good part and a bad part. The only relationships that work are the ones where both parties are willing to concentrate on both parts equally. So I guess in the end me advice, trite as this may sound, is to be honest with her and hope for the best. Good luck young Jedi, and may the force be with you. (Yeah, yeah, I know, I mixed two different sci-fi's; a big no-no, but I don't really care.)
A little private note to DarlingissimA: I feel your pain, totally. Us coffee-drones don't get the credit we deserve, but know that at the very least I am sympathizing with you. :)
I know that a lot of you have been frustrated with me because I haven't been handing out advice as much as I should, given my title as advice columnist. I apologize, and to make up for it I made sure that I have plenty of advice in this column. But before that, I have a few things that I want to say. They may not seem terribly important to you all, but since it's my column I get to write about whatever I want, and if you don't like it, then close this window, nobody's forcing you to read this.
I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be doing this column. Maybe I'll end up doing it forever and ever and maybe not. In the future, for a little while at least, it's probably going to be a lot more sporadic, appearing whenever I decide to write a column. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and frankly, it's quite distracting. Add to that the chaos of a family feud that I'm trapped in the middle of, a job that literally drains the life force out of me and a long distance relationship that makes me feel hollow inside due to the lack of something vital in my life, and my environment isn't conducive to being able to write good columns.
On the other hand however, those of you who have been complaining about my attitude and what not should rejoice. I feel a metamorphosis in the works, and I'm pretty sure that my outlook on life is about to change. Hopefully I won't go the way of the unfortunate Mr. Samsa and end up a Kafka-esque monstrosity, but if that's the way it works out, so be it. Over the past forty-eight hours, I've experienced a rather disturbing sequence of events that have brought the status of the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of my life to a boiling point. I'm not some mystic who reads meaning into every little thing that happens in my life (although maybe I should) but even I'm not arrogant enough to write these things off as mere coincidences and just forget about them. I've come to the realization that some of the things that have been happening in my life, some of the things I've been doing, some of the things that I've let happen in my life, they need to stop. Some of you who are close to me and know me well might think that you know what I'm talking about, but trust me, you do not. This goes far deeper than mere outward actions. But I guess what I'm trying to say here is that things are about to change, and a lot of that is probably going to end up reflected in my column. The bitter, cynical bitch that you've all come to love is probably going to start to transform into something different, hopefully something better.
Now on to what you all came here for, the advice:
Q: I'm a 18 year old female. My problem has to do with my boyfriend of six months. He's a wonderful guy and all, and I know he loves me, but we have one serious unresolved issue - his friends. The first time I met his friends, they all had a bit too much to drink, and started making fun of me because I'm Chinese, and ended up calling me a chink and even spitting in my face. When I confronted my boyfriend with this, he promised to talk to them and evidently did, because it hasn't happened since. However, he still hangs out with them a lot, and although they are nice to me they still make racist comments. I can't stand being around these people, but whenever he goes out, it's with them and he gets terribly hurt if I don't want to go. Is it unfair of me to expect him to dump his friends? What should I do? Please please help.
A: It is unfair for you to expect him to dump his friends. But it's also unfair of him to get upset when you don't want to be around these assholes, and it's unfair of him not to defend you when they say things that are blatantly offensive to you. What you need to do is lay down the law. Tell him that you don't mind him hanging out with his nasty friends all he wants, but that you don't want to be expected to hang out with them too. If he gets pissed or hurt, tell him that until they change their rude behavior it's just not going to happen. I don't endorse racism in any way, I think it's stupid and the sign of a true imbecile, but people are entitled to their opinions, and in the name of free speech I try to leave it at that. But when you make a racist remark, such as calling an asian person a chink, that's just bad manners. Would your boyfriend tolerate them walking up to you and saying something like, " wow, you sure are a nasty looking whore." Of course not (let's hope) so why should it be okay for them to offend you by insulting your heritage? That's total bullshit. As for his friends spitting in your face, that's just outright unacceptable, and I hope you spit right back at them.
Q: How do I tell someone that they are a complete fucking idiot without pissing off their friends (the people I work for)?
A: The answer is, you don't. You just silently resent them, treat them like inferiors (if the person really is a fucking idiot he/she won't even know you're being insulting) and live happily knowing that you are a better person. Welcome to the real world. This is what life is all about, kissing ass to people you hate and pretending to be inferior to morons. But take heart, the guy in the cubicle next to you is probably asking the same question about you.
Q: i know you've almost given up the whole advice thing, and you've answered alot of questions like this already, but i've got nothing to loose so here it goes. i've been dating a girl on a casual basis for the past 2 months. i've known her for about 7 years and i've been interested in her for pretty much all that time. after 3 failed relationships, i finally got up the nerve to ask her out. this is my first encounter with actual casual dating. in the past things have tended to just happen without much effort on my part, but then again things have always come to a rather nasty end as well. i really don't want to screw this one up and because of that i've been taking things slowly, very fucking slowly. i haven't even kissed her yet if that's any indication. we're both very busy between jobs and classes so i'm not sure if we have enough time for a serious relationship, at least not until the semester is over about a month from now. i know i should talk to her about it, but when? i don't want to scare her away by dumping all my emotional buildup on her at once, i don't want to make her feel like i'm not really interested by not making any sort of move on her like i've been doing, and i don't want to move on to something more when i'm not sure if we have enough free time to really get on with it. the whole deal is further complicated by the fact that i CAN have a good time with her without anything physical, which is a bit of a change for me. i'm new to all this shit and i have no idea what i'm doing, so any advice would be appreciated, even if you just tell me that i'm fucked up beyond any hope. oh, i'm a 20 year old male in case it matters. even if you don't answer this, thanks for your time, i know you'll at least read it.
Q: so tell her the truth. Find an hour of spare time between you both and tell her what your deal is. Write out flashcards for her if you feel the need, with phrases like "I DO like you a lot" and "I'm not putting the moves on you yet cause I don't want to mess things up." Explain clearly and truthfully everything, from the part about enjoying being with her without sex to the part about how you would like to at least kiss her but you're scared of messing it up to the part about maybe not having the time for a serious relationship. Give her the good and the bad, the pleasant and the ugly. In every kind of relationship there is a good part and a bad part. The only relationships that work are the ones where both parties are willing to concentrate on both parts equally. So I guess in the end me advice, trite as this may sound, is to be honest with her and hope for the best. Good luck young Jedi, and may the force be with you. (Yeah, yeah, I know, I mixed two different sci-fi's; a big no-no, but I don't really care.)
smjor is a regular advice columnist, standing up for the truth no matter how much it hurts. you may send comments, questions, or calls for help to her at smjor@whatthefuck.com.