Smjör!
It melts with your own body heat!
so, you all probably are wondering what happened to all of my great promises of having a new column up weeks ago. oops. sorry. obviously that didn't happen, and i don't really have much of a good excuse, except that i've become completely nocturnal and addicted to infomercials. i've found that children's programming is also a wonderful self-affirming distraction. seriously. have you watched mr. rogers' lately? it's all about feeling good about yourself. i love it. add to that the addictive glory of infomercials and you can understand why i've been a little distracted. it's gotten to the point where i can't get through a night without seeing my beloved Nad's commercial. (for those of you who didn't know, Nad's is a new and revolutionary hair removal system direct from australia.) anyway, i'm back and i have a new column, so read it and quit your bitching.
Q: What do i do if all i can think about is killing people and if i hear things that aren't really there and talk back and forth with the voices. people think i'm a skitso.
A: firstly, don't talk back to the voices. unless of course you really want to take a vacation to a rubber room hotel. talking to voices that aren't there is usually the first thing that tips people off that YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS! secondly, don't kill people. really. it's not only childish andirresponsible, but the chicks just don't dig it. maybe get some help. go find yourself some counseling, cause you need it.
Q: okay so i'm 19 years old and i'm interested in a 15 year old right now. i'm not normally into 15 year olds since most of them act the same and are at the same maturity level. i'd like to think this one is dfferent. she's certainly more mature than many of the women i know. what is your opinion of such a large age gap?
A: you're playing with fire my pedophilic friend. firstly, if you get too into this chick you're going to end up in jail. not cool. secondly, i know that you really really want to believe that she's different and more mature, but chances are she's not. i used to be a fifteen year old chick and i know how we work. we can seem very cool and mature and level headed but we can turn into hysterical psychos at the drop of a hat. my guess is that you are very insecure about yourself and/or your self image, and you're interested in this younger chick because she's less threatening than the women who are your age. my advice to you is to stay friends with this chick if you want to, but get some self confidence and start pursuing chicks your own age.
Q: hey smjor... here's the deal I'm 19 born in Sri Lanka. Now in Australia studying. not too bad looking. i got a 5.5 inch cock. slightly muscular. good with my english. heterosexual. open minded a good listener. doing engineering at Uni. i'm also a VIRGIN. I get the distinct impression that human females don't like me. Whatthefuck am i doing wrong. Am desparate. Need help fast.
A: you're dick is too small. seriously though... the fact that you stated that you are a heterosexual instantly makes me wonder about your sexual orientation. usually it's only people who are insecure or unsure about thier orientation that mention things like that. i can't tell you why chicks don't like you. are you constantly trying to score with them? chicks can tell that sort of thing and they don't like it. maybe you don't have good personal hygiene. chicks don't dig it when a guy smells bad. how about your teeth? are they nice? nice teeth are very important. the truth is, i can't tell you why chicks don't like you. only a chick who doesn't like you can tell you why. next time you meet a chick who doesn't like you, ask her why she doesn't like you. constructive criticism is always a wonderful way to grow and learn about oneself.
Q: uhm... i just wanted to say that you are a total babe.
A: okay, so this isn't really a question, but it's true, so i thought it deserved to be published.
Q: one of my friends keeps talking about her ex non stop and it's driving me insane. i wish she would shut up about her ex. they have been broken up since last March and he's moved on why can't she?
A: so tell her to shut the fuck up. i don't know why she hasn't moved on. i'd have to hear her side of the story. maybe what you need to do is listen to her side of the story, ask her why she can't get over the guy. be a decent friend and console her and then tell her to move on goddamnit.
okay, so that's all for this week. hopefully i'll have another column up next week, but i make no promises, cause you guys get too bitchy if i break them, so screw you guys, you'll just have to hope for the best and expect the worst.
Q: What do i do if all i can think about is killing people and if i hear things that aren't really there and talk back and forth with the voices. people think i'm a skitso.
A: firstly, don't talk back to the voices. unless of course you really want to take a vacation to a rubber room hotel. talking to voices that aren't there is usually the first thing that tips people off that YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS! secondly, don't kill people. really. it's not only childish andirresponsible, but the chicks just don't dig it. maybe get some help. go find yourself some counseling, cause you need it.
Q: okay so i'm 19 years old and i'm interested in a 15 year old right now. i'm not normally into 15 year olds since most of them act the same and are at the same maturity level. i'd like to think this one is dfferent. she's certainly more mature than many of the women i know. what is your opinion of such a large age gap?
A: you're playing with fire my pedophilic friend. firstly, if you get too into this chick you're going to end up in jail. not cool. secondly, i know that you really really want to believe that she's different and more mature, but chances are she's not. i used to be a fifteen year old chick and i know how we work. we can seem very cool and mature and level headed but we can turn into hysterical psychos at the drop of a hat. my guess is that you are very insecure about yourself and/or your self image, and you're interested in this younger chick because she's less threatening than the women who are your age. my advice to you is to stay friends with this chick if you want to, but get some self confidence and start pursuing chicks your own age.
Q: hey smjor... here's the deal I'm 19 born in Sri Lanka. Now in Australia studying. not too bad looking. i got a 5.5 inch cock. slightly muscular. good with my english. heterosexual. open minded a good listener. doing engineering at Uni. i'm also a VIRGIN. I get the distinct impression that human females don't like me. Whatthefuck am i doing wrong. Am desparate. Need help fast.
A: you're dick is too small. seriously though... the fact that you stated that you are a heterosexual instantly makes me wonder about your sexual orientation. usually it's only people who are insecure or unsure about thier orientation that mention things like that. i can't tell you why chicks don't like you. are you constantly trying to score with them? chicks can tell that sort of thing and they don't like it. maybe you don't have good personal hygiene. chicks don't dig it when a guy smells bad. how about your teeth? are they nice? nice teeth are very important. the truth is, i can't tell you why chicks don't like you. only a chick who doesn't like you can tell you why. next time you meet a chick who doesn't like you, ask her why she doesn't like you. constructive criticism is always a wonderful way to grow and learn about oneself.
Q: uhm... i just wanted to say that you are a total babe.
A: okay, so this isn't really a question, but it's true, so i thought it deserved to be published.
Q: one of my friends keeps talking about her ex non stop and it's driving me insane. i wish she would shut up about her ex. they have been broken up since last March and he's moved on why can't she?
A: so tell her to shut the fuck up. i don't know why she hasn't moved on. i'd have to hear her side of the story. maybe what you need to do is listen to her side of the story, ask her why she can't get over the guy. be a decent friend and console her and then tell her to move on goddamnit.
okay, so that's all for this week. hopefully i'll have another column up next week, but i make no promises, cause you guys get too bitchy if i break them, so screw you guys, you'll just have to hope for the best and expect the worst.
smjor is bitter, pissed, an a little psychotic: the perfect advice columnist, standing up for the truth no matter how much it hurts. you may send comments, questions, or calls for help to her at smjor@whatthefuck.com.