Greetings loyal readers! Each column period (two weeks or so) I will pick a topic and talk about it. That's all this column will be, pretty basic stuff. Feel free to suggest topics for my future columns either by email or by posting on my board. If I like your topic I will do it, if not - too bad, but thanks anyway.

The topic of today's discussion will be: Blueberry Muffins

You heard me right - blueberry. I'm not fucking around with chocolate chip, bran, or any of the other lower level muffins. I am going right to the king of them all, the ultimate muffin: blueberry. So hold on to your hats people, because here we go...

In order to understand my discussion fully, we must set some sort of standard for the definition of a blueberry muffin(other prerequisites are that you must have taste buds, be literate, and be super-fly-funky-fresh). So I suppose I should start with the recipe so you can try them my way - then we will all be on the same page, right? Right. Now then, I shall give you the ingredients (well I won't really give them to you... you have to go buy them or scrounge them up yourself. I am just giving you a list and measurements):

1/2 cup butter
1 1/4 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 1/2 cups blueberries
1/2 cup milk
And some sugar for topping

There. Now start out by creaming the buttah and the sugah, then add in the eggs (make sure to crack them first, and don't put the shells in you moron) and mix well. Ok, now add each of the dry ingredients one by one with a little of the milk each... ah who am I kidding, nevermind, this is not nearly as exciting when I can't actually show you the majesty of the blueberry in person. How about I just talk about something a little less serious instead? Like religion...

The topic of today's discussion will be: Blueberry Muffins Religion

That's better.

Have you ever had an argument about religion with a devout christian? (So people don't get mad here is a disclaimer: I am only using christians as an example because I have more experience with them than any other religion. I'm fairly sure followers of all other religions are just as silly.) Its impossible to get them to open their minds(or cheeks) to any alternative view points(or lifestyles). They already have an established belief, and they base their entire argument on something that can't ever be proven to be true. Then when I try to explain to them my way of thinking - they won't even give it a chance.

Atheists are the same way.

I just don't understand how you can be so sure of something that is completely impossible to prove one way or the other. I mean sure there are some people that claim that they have seen/spoken to god (or aliens, dead people, monsters, midgets, etc.), but did they really see/speak to god or are they just psychotic and/or tripping and/or retarded and/or the evil reincarnation of Bruce Lee? No way to tell. And if you think about the whole thing logically and scientifically the idea of a 'god' seems utterly preposterous. But you still can't prove that there isn't one. (actually Homer Simpson has proven that there is no god, but tragically, his formula only applies to cartoons and New Jersey)

So you want to know what I think? I think that I could really use a good blowjob right about now, and that I don't know if I think there is a god or not. And it is much more important to me to have the blowjob situation resolved than the god thing. I am agnostic (someone who is too indecisive, weak, unsure, or smart to pick a belief). And I don't see my views changing anytime in the near or late future(don't even get me started on my middle future...). I don't even care much to know whether or not there is a god... yeah it would be cool to know for sure, but even if I saw him I don't think I would be sure, I mean, I may just have been having a really intense dream or something. So how could I ever really know? Nothing can ever be proven beyond all doubt(but if nothing can be proven, didn't I just prove that nothing can be proven? Oh, fiddlesticks). Jeez, for all I know there could be a big invisible guy with lots of arms, a funny hat, and a big beer gut that has an undetectable string attached to every atom in the universe and he just moves them all around however he sees fit. Or we could all be dead in the real world and this is just the afterlife. Or I could be a blueberry muffin that is imagining that it is a really funny, smart, hot, interesting, virile human man. But who really cares? I try not to waste too much time thinking about things that have no impact on my enjoyment of life.

I just want my blowjob.