Ingested Plastic
Nevir Judge a Book by its Lover!
Good citizens of whatthefuck, I salute you. Your votes have been cast and tallied - I am now a columnist (I think, maybe. That's what I was told yesterday but I guess its a multi-column vote system now or something... I don't really know)! And that, my friends, is pretty damn cool in my book (foreshadowing!). Now on to the actual column. My last topic (Blueberry Muffins/Religion) was pretty heavy, so this time I figure I'll pick a less ambitious one...
The topic of today's discussion will be: Books
Ah yes - books. Books rule. They are informative. They are fun. They make a satisfying *thunk* or *slap* noise when you drop them. And they even smell nice. Plus they can be used for so many great things: reading, worshipping, juggling, propping up tables or appliances, concealing contraband by carving a space in the pages... or even skillfully luring hapless flies onto an open one, then quickly slamming it shut while you cackle with sadistic glee - secure in the knowledge that you are the superior species. The book is obviously one of mankind's greatest inventions.
Since I don't want to make this a really long column, I can't afford to go into all the nuances of every way you can use books (dirt cheap floor tiles!). So I will focus on the most common (and least creative) use - reading.
I am not going to pretend that I am an extremely well read person, 'cause I ain't and stuff. But I have read quite a bit, I still read when I have time, and I know what I like - so I feel qualified to give my opinion (and even if I didn't I would still give it to you because its my column and there isn't a god damn thing you can do about it). And I guess the best way to do that is to discuss my top five all-time favorite books.
5 - The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien
I think the only reason that these aren't higher up on the list is that I haven't finished reading them yet. But they are awesome so far; I can't put them down. Come and frolic happily in the hills of Bree with the jaunty Tom Bombadil while singing divine little songs praising nature's glorious beauty... wow, that sounds really gay.
4 - A Tale Of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Okay, I know what you are thinking - 'Dickens?!' And you are right, Dickens is normally not very entertaining to read. In fact I have hated every book of his that I've read except this one. I don't know what it is about it... could be the great plot, the political theme, or maybe just the fact that Lucie Manette is such a hot piece of ass...
*grabs his copy of A Tale Of Two Cities and some lotion and heads to the bathroom for awhile, cries of "Oh Lucie!" are heard*
Yeah, this one rocks.
3 - Don't Stand Too Close To A Naked Man by Tim Allen
Any book beginning with the author emphatically proclaiming that he is a dick, or ending with the author leaving to take a leak, instantly gains my respect. This one does both. In between it is funny as hell - and also very true and insightful. Much better than his lame TV show... *shudder*
2 - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Series by Douglas Adams
A masterpiece. Wonderful. Hysterical. Sci-fi meets humor in one big-ass fucked up story.
"Life is like a grapefruit. Its sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast."
Yeah. Preach it Ford.
1 - Different Seasons by Stephen King
A book of four shorter stories all of which are amazing. I command you to read it. Go buy it. Right now - go. I'm not fucking around here. Do it! Yeah that's it... you like it when I tell you what to do, don't you? Mmm hmm, you are my little bitch aren't you? Now grab the lube, put this dog collar on, and bend over that table before I get out the hose... whoops, heh heh, I think I got a little carried away there for a sec...
So books rule, especially those. The big five. Check them out if you haven't already, and tell me what you think. Unless you disagree with me. Then just keep your mouth shut because I won't waste my time listening to an uneducated loser like you. Who do you think you are anyway?
The topic of today's discussion will be: Books
Ah yes - books. Books rule. They are informative. They are fun. They make a satisfying *thunk* or *slap* noise when you drop them. And they even smell nice. Plus they can be used for so many great things: reading, worshipping, juggling, propping up tables or appliances, concealing contraband by carving a space in the pages... or even skillfully luring hapless flies onto an open one, then quickly slamming it shut while you cackle with sadistic glee - secure in the knowledge that you are the superior species. The book is obviously one of mankind's greatest inventions.
Since I don't want to make this a really long column, I can't afford to go into all the nuances of every way you can use books (dirt cheap floor tiles!). So I will focus on the most common (and least creative) use - reading.
I am not going to pretend that I am an extremely well read person, 'cause I ain't and stuff. But I have read quite a bit, I still read when I have time, and I know what I like - so I feel qualified to give my opinion (and even if I didn't I would still give it to you because its my column and there isn't a god damn thing you can do about it). And I guess the best way to do that is to discuss my top five all-time favorite books.
5 - The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien
I think the only reason that these aren't higher up on the list is that I haven't finished reading them yet. But they are awesome so far; I can't put them down. Come and frolic happily in the hills of Bree with the jaunty Tom Bombadil while singing divine little songs praising nature's glorious beauty... wow, that sounds really gay.
4 - A Tale Of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Okay, I know what you are thinking - 'Dickens?!' And you are right, Dickens is normally not very entertaining to read. In fact I have hated every book of his that I've read except this one. I don't know what it is about it... could be the great plot, the political theme, or maybe just the fact that Lucie Manette is such a hot piece of ass...
*grabs his copy of A Tale Of Two Cities and some lotion and heads to the bathroom for awhile, cries of "Oh Lucie!" are heard*
Yeah, this one rocks.
3 - Don't Stand Too Close To A Naked Man by Tim Allen
Any book beginning with the author emphatically proclaiming that he is a dick, or ending with the author leaving to take a leak, instantly gains my respect. This one does both. In between it is funny as hell - and also very true and insightful. Much better than his lame TV show... *shudder*
2 - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Series by Douglas Adams
A masterpiece. Wonderful. Hysterical. Sci-fi meets humor in one big-ass fucked up story.
"Life is like a grapefruit. Its sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast."
Yeah. Preach it Ford.
1 - Different Seasons by Stephen King
A book of four shorter stories all of which are amazing. I command you to read it. Go buy it. Right now - go. I'm not fucking around here. Do it! Yeah that's it... you like it when I tell you what to do, don't you? Mmm hmm, you are my little bitch aren't you? Now grab the lube, put this dog collar on, and bend over that table before I get out the hose... whoops, heh heh, I think I got a little carried away there for a sec...
So books rule, especially those. The big five. Check them out if you haven't already, and tell me what you think. Unless you disagree with me. Then just keep your mouth shut because I won't waste my time listening to an uneducated loser like you. Who do you think you are anyway?
nevir combines nonsense and intelligence into something resembling a thought-provoking column. He appreciates comments, suggestions, flames, and any other forms of verbal retardation at nevir@whatthefuck.com.