Despite the insanity, the tragedy, the hostility, I am back. For those of you interested, the above quote is a little nugget of common sense that I heard today on NPR. It was spoken by a very distinguished british doctor explaining to a distressed caller that profuse anal bleeding wasn't a symptom of anthrax, thus he didn't have to worry about catching it by riding on a city but with a bunch of hobos. It blows my mind, how little people know about certain things.

Well, I suppose that's not an entirely fair statement to make. I don't know a lot about a lot of things. For example, until this week, I didn't know anything about anthrax, except that I thought the band of the same name was pretty lame. But it amazes me that people who know nothing about a certain subject will just make ridiculous assumptions. Like the guy who called in about the ass-bleeding hobos on the bus. He was freaking out about people bleeding from thier asses, dropping dead on the streets out of nowhere, all kinds of crazy stuff.

When I first heard about the anthrax, I did what I would think that any intelligent person would do: I realized that I didn't know anything about anthrax, thus I promptly went about educating myself as much as possible about it. I wish more people would do this about things. It seems to me that it's especially important at a time like this. Rather than make snap judgement about the muslim religion, assuming that they are all towel-head, gun-toting woman haters, find out what the truth is. Read. Everything you can find. Read about the Taliban. You might be surprised about what you might find out about those tricky fucks. Really people. I cannot stress this enough. Do not be ignorant.

This is not the time to be complacent. The senate just passed a bill approving roving wire taps and unlimited internet spying. Do you know what a roving wire tap is? Go find out. It is definately a dangerous time to be in the dark about anything, and it is especially important now more than ever that you be aware of what's going on in the world. You need to know what could be in store for everyone, not just Americans.

I have one other bit of advice, for those of you here in America. Make some plans. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Call your families, talk to them. Make sure you have plans on where you will go if something happens where you live. I have been reading a lot about this. People are gearing up for armageddon practically. Stockpiling food, water, flashlights. I don't know that this is a completely ridiculous thing. I'm making sure that I keep my gas tank full at all times, so that if something happens here in Phoenix, I can get helluva far away helluva fast. If you live in a city where you don't know anybody, have a plan for where you will go if for some reason your home dissapears. It sounds ludicrous, but I'm guessing that a lot of people who lived in Manhatten were wishing that they had made backup plans before September eleventh.

Okay, I'm done lecturing. You may now proceed to the shitty advice that you all came for.


Q: Dear Smjör,
I'm horrendously fat and ugly. Should I get liposuction and/or a facelift?
- Horrendous in Minneapolis

A: I would advise against both. You should stay locked within your house for at least four years, eating the unhealthiest, fattiest foods you can find. In four years, if you are lucky, you will be the fattest human on earth, as well as the ugliest. The Guiness book of world records will come and take your picture and the National Enquirer will run you on thier cover. You will then be famous, and people will want to hang out with you and you will be invited to lots of hip trendy parties. Trust me, this is the way to go. Excercising, eating properly and getting medical help is way to much of a pain in the ass. Sitting on your ass watching TV and getting fat is easy and painless.


Q: I have a problem. I dated this guy for a month, and I liked him, but we ended up breaking up, because he says he didn't feel the same way for me. In my eyes, I should be able to reserve the right to choose whether to be pissed off at him, or choose whether we're friends or not. The thing is we both agreed that we would stay friends.
Well, school started for me and so far it's been hell. Your senior year in high school, you should be on top of the word, right? It sucks, when you're snubbed in the hallways by your ex that's suppose to be a friend. That's what he's been doing to me.
But the most awkward part of it all is that this guy asked a bunch of people out, and has dated people before. After all that, he's still been able to stay friends with them. I'm the only person he's ever snubbed in that way, and it's really starting to piss me, and other people off. I guess my major question is how do I get back at him for how he's treating me? I've tried moving on, but it just doesn't feel right without a little revenge, or something to make him feel how he's making me feel. Thanks for listening
- Can't let it fucking go in FL

A: I would advise you to just let it go. If he's snubbing you, snub him back. Forget about him, move on with your life and find someone new. If you are absolutely bent on getting some revenge, I will suggest (but not endorse in any way that might get me into legal trouble) a few slices of bologna placed on his car (assuming that he has one.) If you toss a few slices of bologna on his car on a hot day and leave them there for a few hours, they will soak up the paint on his car and leave big polka dots all over it. It can't be fixed without getting the car repainted, which costs a bunch of money. For more revenge advice, go to the columns archive and look for the Smjor column on revenge. You will find plenty of destructive ideas there.



Q: I've been in a relationship with this guy for a couple of weeks now, and at first it was really great. We were the perfect pair, it seemed...we totally complimented each other in every aspect. But then, he went back to school. I'm a freshman in college and he is a senior in high school. I wish I'd known then that he'd be a typical high school senior guy; like every senior guy I've known. He's in the popular crowd, too. The crowd I couldn't have been included in if I *paid* them when I was in high school...but he's changed since school started. He doesn't call anymore...but that doesn't bother me as much as when I give him a call (once in a few days or so just to see what's been up) and he's really rude to me. I'm really pissed off at him and I want to break up with him, but I know that right now he's having some big family problems and some problems with school, too... I know he's really very stressed out about a lot of things right now, and I feel like if I break u!
p with him right NOW he won't want to be friends with me still. Normally that wouldn't matter to me, but I want to stay friends with him because normally he's a really great guy. I didn't mean to ramble...my question is should I break up with him now, or should I wait it out and see if he's acting so awful because he's under so much stress at home? Please help...I don't want to TOTALLY lose this one...
- Scared to be the last straw, NY

A: You've been going out with this guy for a few weeks. For most people that constitutes a trial period, not a relationship. You are in college, he is in high school. You two are effectively living in two different worlds. I don't want to seem discouraging, but I'm thinking that there isn't much future to this relationship. If you want to stay friends with him, more power to you. But you are living in a world he hasn't been to yet (college), and he's living in a world you were never invited to (the popular senior crowd at high school.) You need to explain to him how you feel, let him know that you will be there if he needs support with his family problems and such, and then go find yourself a nice guy from your world.



Q: Hi. I'm completely in love with this boy I've been going out with for a year, and we have a very open relationship. The problem is this: I have known since we've been going out that he is an EXTREMELY sexually curious person. Recently, he confided in me about wanting to experiment with group sex. This makes me uncomfortable and personally I feel that I don't want to have sex with someone unless I love them, and I'd like to keep that down to one person at a time. We obviously differ on opinion here. I know he loves me, and he's just really curious. And we've discussed this at great length, and he's agreed to let it go. Thing is, he keeps bringing it up and asking me again. What is your opinion on this matter?
- painfully UNaware in NJ

A: I would say that you need to have a very serious discussion with him about respecting your boundries and needs. Your needs consist of only being sexually involved with one person at a time. You boundries include not having group sex. He needs to respect these by not making you feel pressured and uncomfortable about it. Basically you need to tell him that he needs to decide which he wants more: you or group sex. He needs to make a choice, and if he chooses you, he needs to not ever bring up the subject of having group sex again. If he doesn't respect this, he isn't respecting you, and he needs to go. Lay down the law girlie girl! You deserve someone who respects not only you, but your boundries as well.



Q: There's more to it than this, but I moved. And now, I have been offline for over three months. Now I'm back, but lost. I'm in a swamp of unread mail, and worst of all, I've disrupted my whatthefuck activity. What's the best way to break back into my former place and spasm back into the net grind? I believe the road less traveled sucks. (On a good note, I have no love or sibling problems to speak of, so hey, gotta love a break from the usual)
signing off,
- wetting the bed again

A: I would have to say that the best way to get back into WTF is to take any board that you intend to post on, read the last 20 or so posts and then consider yourself caught up. Also read the column by Greywarden titled "The Genesis of Whatthefuck." As for e-mail, that's up to you. When I get severely backed-up on reading e-mail, I usually try to divide it up and read it over a period of a few days or weeks, depending on how totally backed-up everything is. Good luck and welcome back.



Q: I just found this site tonight and I am mildly impressed. I enjoy your "take no prisoners" style of writing even if it borders on being pretentious rhetoric. I wish I could write in about relationships and loved ones, but unfortunately I either don't have or don't care about either. I am writing to see what a fellow cynical, sentient, pragmatic individual feels about the issue of suicide. First, I suppose I should qualify myself before you check your "what to say to sad people" handbook. I am 23 years old, I will graduate in December with a batchers in business marketing. I am a scrawny little guy with (believe it or not) no self esteem. Next fall I'll be attending grad school in Denver and working for Oregon-Pacific's branch office. Fascinating, right? Now for "I want to hang myself with my shoelaces" part; I hate life, I hate my friends, I am under the impression that everyone hates me and I don't think that I would be too badly missed if I left now. You know how!
psychologists always try to find something positive for the depressed to hang on to so they don't off themselves too soon? Well I don't have one. I don't give a fuck about anyone or anything. The only reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm too scared to go through with it. I figure, given enough Dutch courage, I may be able to pull that trigger. I really don't see any reason not to. Life is not precious, its a fucking chore that I really don't want to participate in anymore. So, what's the fucking question, right? How do you find a reason to live when you don't give a shit about anyone or anything. Oh, and I already caught the little "you're asking for help so you really don't want to die" routine so don't bother. I want to die and I would do it if weren't such a pussy, but I'm wondering if I'm missing something that everyone else has already noticed.
- Looking for attention in Montana

A: I'm not very sure how I should go about answering this. On the one hand, I think that you are full of shit, and jus trying to ruffle my feathers. On the other hand, there is the tiniest possibility that you really are suicidal. I think it's a minute possibility, but given the seriousness of suicide, I don't think it's something that can be ignored. So I will provide two answers, and you can pick the appropriate response.

Response A (If you really are serious about being suicidal.): Suicide is for pussies. Suicide is the ultimate weak man's way out. It shows no courage, no character, nothing but disrespect for one's self, and everyone else in this world and beyond, if you believe in such things. Now before everyone jumps on my ass about how disrepectful that is to people who have committed suicide, blah blah, "my girlfriend committed suicide and she was not a coward" blah blah blah, let me stop you with a preemtive "shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear it."

This is one of the very few subjects where I appreciate and agree with the Catholic's point of view and belief. For those of you who are not Catholic, let me break it down for you: If you are of sound mind, and you commit suicide, you go to hell. If you are honestly, clinically fucked in the head, then it basically comes down to a coin toss by God.

I have known people who have committed suicide, though luckily I've never had to deal with someone I've been extremely close to doing it. I have seen the devastation that it leaves for the people who have to pickup thier lives, try to puzzle out why it happened, and then carry on. It is because of this that I have no respect for people who commit suicide.

You say that you have nothing to live for. That you have no friends, no feelings, whatever. I say go get yourself a little professional help and move on. If you stick it out long enough, you will find something or someone to live for. Don't take the coward's way out. Be a man.

Response B (If you are just looking for someone to validate your existence and make you feel better about yourself.): You make me sick. You live in America. As such, you live a relatively free life. You are in school, presumably succeeding quite well. You are not living on the streets. You are not sick with some terminal disease. You find life to be a chore. You do not deserve to live. There are a million people out there who would give anything in the world to be able to live your life for you. People who would give anything to just live, period. (Why don't you go find Dilanium and ask her about people who deserve to be able to live and don't get to.) I honestly wish that I could take your life away from you and give it to someone who would appreciate it. You are the kid who lives in the middle of the ghetto, gets a bike for his birthday, and then complains to all the other kids that it's not the colour you wanted. You are an ungrateful little worm.
My advice to you would be to go down to your local hospital, and take a walk around the pediatric oncology ward. Take a look at six, seven, eight year-olds, who aren't going to live for another birthday. Take a look at a four year-old child who doesn't understand why he can't play with other kids, why he has to stay in a bed all day sick, and why every time the doctors say they are going to make him better, he gets sicker. Maybe that will give you a little bit more reason to live, and a little less reason to whine about your own fucking life.



Q: Dear Smjor,
I have a good friend who Is really confused right now.
She is haveing sex with her ex boyfriend (a major fuckhead), and any other guy who she finds. She never acts like herself anymore, and I think maybe she has stopped taking her birth control in hopes to get pregnant by her ex boyrfiend in a desprate attempt to win him back. What should I do?
- Pissed off in Baton Rouge

A: You should confront your friend about her behaivour. Stress to her that having a kid by her ex-boyfriend will not win her boyfriend back, and will not fill the hole in her life that she feels is there. It will do nothing but earn her a small spot on Jerry Springer, if she's lucky. Tell her that what she is doing is supremely stupid, and that you care about her and want her to stop. Stress the part about you caring about her, and offer her a place to vent what she is feeling. Suggest some counseling. Suggest that she stop sleeping with anything that moves. Suggest that getting over her ex and trying to find someone new to pursue an actual relationship with might make her feel a lot better.
All of this probably won't do any good, and she will probably keep going the way she is until she ends up pregnant and scared, with a really nasty STD, or raped. No matter what the outcome, the truth is that there is very little you can do to affect it. She obviously has some serious problems, and it's not very likely that you will be able to fix any of them. But at least if you do what I have suggested above, you will be able to feel like you have done something to try to help, and absolve yourself of any guilt that you might have had when her life goes into the toilet because of her own reckless actions.