In the spirit of the season...

The topic of today's discussion will be: Theft

I like stealing stuff. Its pretty fun, plus you get to keep the stuff you steal! How can you go wrong? But even though it is so cool and fun and profitable to steal, there are still a set of moral guidelines that I think all thieves should follow. I mean some stuff is just plain old wrong. I am also disappointed at the stupidity of some people who try to rob certain places. It seems that a lot of thieves(at least the ones that get press) are really stupid. So in an effort to both improve your ability to steal successfully and to keep you from stealing from people you shouldn't - I present you with - 'Nevir's rules and recommendations for ripping shit off'. You can thank me later. Or right now if you want, I don't really care.

Ok, right off the bat lets get the basics down. Who can you steal from without being a complete asshole?

Places you can(and should) steal from:

- Large faceless corporations(well, they can have a face and still be fair game, I guess. As long as its an ugly face.) that have too much money anyway. Examples: Wal-Mart, Microsoft, colleges, possibly your employers, the government, etc.

- Your friends(they will never suspect you!), just make sure you return anything you take... preferably at least half used up or destroyed. Examples: Me and the rest of your close friends.

- People trying to charge you way too much for stuff. Examples: the entertainment industry, drug dealers, gumball/soda machines, hookers, etc.

- Assholes. Examples: Kai, people who talk at the movies, morons who think they're smart, people who put the toilet paper roll on backwards...

Places you shouldn't steal from:

- Strangers. They could be really poor, or what you take could have sentimental value to them. Make sure you get to know people before you rob them blind.

- Candy from a baby. Heh, I had to say that...

- Mom and pop stores. You know the type, barely making enough money to stay in business, located in a remote area or a slum, and the employees don't have uniforms. It is just rude to steal from people who need all the money they can get. Besides, they probably have shitty stuff anyway.

- Family. This is a bad idea for obvious reasons, I mean, they're your family, man. Family does not, however, include your siblings.

That's about it. If it wasn't mentioned here or is kind of borderline then it just depends on how much you want/need the thing you are thinking about swiping. For instance, if I was starving and needed to eat I would not mind stealing bread from a stranger, but if I was just horny and wanted to masturbate I wouldn't steal a stranger's dildo(I'd just go see your mom! Hahahahaha!).

This next section should be basic knowledge and pretty self-explanatory...

Tips, hints, and tricks:

- Steal in groups. This may seem like a bad idea since you will have to split the stuff you get with a bunch of other shmucks, but its worth it. You have company with you, potential to steal bigger things, and less chance of being caught(if it comes down to it you can even blame the whole thing on them). So gather up your friends and get pillaging.

- Use the absolute minimum number of people necessary for the actual act of stealing the item. Everyone one else should be either watching out for people who might catch you, screening the stealer from view, or causing a distraction. Distractions are especially good; a well placed shout, crash, or mooning can be the difference between a cool toy and a not-so-cool ride in a police car.

- Smile. Mess around with your friends. Converse with people. Just act natural, don't get paranoid. Don't make sudden movements or glance around suspiciously. Imagine that you have already gotten away with it, pretend you own the place and are supposed to be doing this. Just do whatever it takes to blend in. Many times people won't notice anything if you are very normal and professional looking. If you are abnormal and unprofessional looking just learn to run really fast.

One time I loaded up a cart with computers in the science building at a college and wheeled it right out the door and loaded them into my buddy's car - no one said a thing(Of course, I did have permission to take them, but no one knew that so its still a good example, punk).

- Try to take stuff that is already near the exits. And don't take shit that you think might be rigged to beep or explode while you are on your way out. I tend to avoid stealing actual merchandise from stores because I don't want to go to jail. I take stuff like cool displays, posters they have up, lights, signs, anything that isn't actually for sale. For some reason they think its important to protect the stuff that can be bought, but do nothing to stop you from taking anything the store itself owns/uses.

Those are the core things you should know before attempting to pilfer anything. By following those basic guidelines you will probably succeed in most cases; I myself have yet to be caught stealing anything, because I am one bad-ass motherfucker.

Now, to give you a good start I am going to share with you the places I most frequently and easily steal from.

Nevir's main victims

- Road signs. This is all about style for me(and as you know, I am extremely stylish), I think it looks really cool just to have road signs hanging up all over the place. Just make sure you don't steal all the stop signs from a four-way stop or anything dangerous and stupid like that.

Some advice if you are going to try taking signs: Do it during really early morning hours (like 2 or 3am), do it in the most out of the way place possible although it is more of a rush in a public place, and most importantly - bring tools. I can't stress this enough, the more tools you have the better off you are. All that advice is also, oddly enough, applicable to sex...

- Restaurants. No alarms, and they usually have cool shit. Got a new apartment and need a set of dishes and silverware? A few trips to Applebee's or Ruby Tuesday's will fix that problem. They have cool decorations too, especially those T.G.I. Fridays type restaurants or steakhouses with shit hanging up everywhere. Here's a fun experiment for you: try to collect as many sugar packets as you can. Everytime you are out, walk to all the tables or dispensers and just fill up your pockets and take them home. WARNING - do not attempt this with anything besides sugar, salt, or pepper. Other stuff is really messy if it breaks and some of it will even rot right in the container. I know those little creamers look pretty innocent, but even if you are careful and don't break them, give them a while and they will start to stink like the rotting corpses in my cellar... oops...

- School. In high school I think I stole a copy of every book in the library. Any kind of extension cord or type of cable is a good target. Lights, especially exit signs, those are cool as hell. I also have gathered up quite a collection of mouse balls and 'alt' keys purely for weirdness points.

- Malls and stores. Another fine place for mouse balls and 'alt' keys. Displays and posters are everywhere here too. Plus keep your eyes peeled for any cool gadgets you see workers using, like box cutters or label makers or socks.

Wrap up

Stealing is against the law. Most of the time stealing is wrong, although I think in some cases it is justifiable and can have a positive effect(or at the very least a non-negative effect). Don't steal if it feels wrong, or if you aren't prepared to face the consequences of being caught.

But stealing can work in your favor with a minimum of guilt if done correctly, so I say - go for it. Just don't blame me if your sorry ass winds up in the old "gray bar hotel", and your roomie then steals your anal virginity from you.