Smjör!
Okay. So this is my advice column. You whine to me about your problems, and then I tell you what to do. I can't promise that all of my advice will be perfect, or even close to correct. I'll do my best, but ultimately it's up to you to make the final decision about your own life. I will not take any of the blame if your life goes down the toilet. But if everything works out well, then of course I will be more than happy to take credit for all of it. Anyway, here's the first batch of complaints. If you think you have bigger, better problems, then feel free to let me know all about them at smjor@whatthefuck.com.
Q: My boyfriend wants to do a threesome with me and my friend. I kinda want to, but I'm afraid it will fuck things up... how do I deal with this?
A: If you are worried that it is going to fuck things up, then don't do it. I have always been a proponent of kinky sex and threesomes, but if your gut instinct is telling you no, then don't do it. The only time threesomes ever work is when everyone totally trusts everyone else. Your fear about things getting messed up is a sign that you don't trust someone. Either you don't trust your boyfriend or you don't trust your friend. Or both. It's a logical fear. When you have a three some, you always run the risk of the other two people hooking up without you. Once your boyfriend has sex with you and your friend, then it's just one step away from him having sex with your friend without you. So unless you trust your boyfriend completely, I would say stay away from the threesome thing for now.
Q: Okay, my wife thinks I'm on the computer too fucking much. She thinks I'm having cybersex with hoards of women, when I'm actually just checking on the news or don't have anything better to do. How can I assure her that I'm not being an evil net guy?
A: Are you being an evil net guy? And how often are you on the computer? If you answered more than three hours a day, she might have a point. Unless your job requires you to be on the computer more than that, three hours a day should be plenty. You said that you're not having cybersex or anything like that, you're just "checking on the news or don't have anything better to do." Here's a novel idea: instead of spending all of your spare time on the internet, why not spend a little time with your wife? you say that you're checking the news online. Why not just watch the evening news with your wife. The internet is a great place to get information and everything, but you are not married to your computer, you are married to your wife. Maybe the reason your wife is so hostile about the whole computer thing is because she feels neglected. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Q: I'm 17 and have just ended a relationship that lasted seven months. I was a virgin until this relationship. When we began dating, I told "Todd" I wanted to wait for sex until I trusted him and felt I loved him. The time did come when I trusted him and felt I loved him, so I decided to sleep with him. That's when things started going downhill. A month later, he told me he was sick of me. I feel so hurt and used. Now I'm starting to view sex negatively. I know I'm young and have years of relationships ahead of me, but now I wonder if all men are only after sex. If so, it wouldn't be worth it.
A: All of you young virgins out there who are debating whether or not to give the cherry to your current boyfriends, i want you to write the following phrase on a big piece of paper and hang it anywhere that you might consider having sex- IT'S ONLY PREMARITAL SEX IF WE PLAN ON GETTING MARRIED. I want all of you to repeat that to yourselves on a daily basis. Add it to your nighttime prayers and make it your mantra. Trust me. Keeping this phrase in mind everytime you are in a position to have sex with someone will save you a lot of heartache in the future. Every guy in the world wants to get laid. That doesn't mean that every guy is going to use you for sex, but it is something that you need to be aware of. If you chose to have sex before marriage, there is no guarantee that the guy will not dump you a week later. It's a fact of life. But if you choose to wait a while before having sex with a guy, the chances of him dumping you a week later are dramatically decreased. The bottom line is, don't freak out and go lesbian just because one guy used and abused you. There are good guys out there who don't just want to use you for sex. You just need to be patient about finding them, and once you do find a good guy, don't be so quick to put out for him.
Q: My boyfriend wants to do a threesome with me and my friend. I kinda want to, but I'm afraid it will fuck things up... how do I deal with this?
A: If you are worried that it is going to fuck things up, then don't do it. I have always been a proponent of kinky sex and threesomes, but if your gut instinct is telling you no, then don't do it. The only time threesomes ever work is when everyone totally trusts everyone else. Your fear about things getting messed up is a sign that you don't trust someone. Either you don't trust your boyfriend or you don't trust your friend. Or both. It's a logical fear. When you have a three some, you always run the risk of the other two people hooking up without you. Once your boyfriend has sex with you and your friend, then it's just one step away from him having sex with your friend without you. So unless you trust your boyfriend completely, I would say stay away from the threesome thing for now.
Q: Okay, my wife thinks I'm on the computer too fucking much. She thinks I'm having cybersex with hoards of women, when I'm actually just checking on the news or don't have anything better to do. How can I assure her that I'm not being an evil net guy?
A: Are you being an evil net guy? And how often are you on the computer? If you answered more than three hours a day, she might have a point. Unless your job requires you to be on the computer more than that, three hours a day should be plenty. You said that you're not having cybersex or anything like that, you're just "checking on the news or don't have anything better to do." Here's a novel idea: instead of spending all of your spare time on the internet, why not spend a little time with your wife? you say that you're checking the news online. Why not just watch the evening news with your wife. The internet is a great place to get information and everything, but you are not married to your computer, you are married to your wife. Maybe the reason your wife is so hostile about the whole computer thing is because she feels neglected. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Q: I'm 17 and have just ended a relationship that lasted seven months. I was a virgin until this relationship. When we began dating, I told "Todd" I wanted to wait for sex until I trusted him and felt I loved him. The time did come when I trusted him and felt I loved him, so I decided to sleep with him. That's when things started going downhill. A month later, he told me he was sick of me. I feel so hurt and used. Now I'm starting to view sex negatively. I know I'm young and have years of relationships ahead of me, but now I wonder if all men are only after sex. If so, it wouldn't be worth it.
A: All of you young virgins out there who are debating whether or not to give the cherry to your current boyfriends, i want you to write the following phrase on a big piece of paper and hang it anywhere that you might consider having sex- IT'S ONLY PREMARITAL SEX IF WE PLAN ON GETTING MARRIED. I want all of you to repeat that to yourselves on a daily basis. Add it to your nighttime prayers and make it your mantra. Trust me. Keeping this phrase in mind everytime you are in a position to have sex with someone will save you a lot of heartache in the future. Every guy in the world wants to get laid. That doesn't mean that every guy is going to use you for sex, but it is something that you need to be aware of. If you chose to have sex before marriage, there is no guarantee that the guy will not dump you a week later. It's a fact of life. But if you choose to wait a while before having sex with a guy, the chances of him dumping you a week later are dramatically decreased. The bottom line is, don't freak out and go lesbian just because one guy used and abused you. There are good guys out there who don't just want to use you for sex. You just need to be patient about finding them, and once you do find a good guy, don't be so quick to put out for him.
smjor is a regular advice columnist, standing up for the truth no matter how much it hurts. you may send comments, questions, or calls for help to her at smjor@whatthefuck.com.