Yeah, I know its been a while since my last column, but I've been so busy researching the subject of this one lately that I haven't been able to put aside any time to actually write it up. And if you think this column is going to be extra good because it took so long... don't get your hopes up.

    The topic of today's discussion will be: Drinking

    I'm not talking about soda pop either. I'm talking about booze. Moonshine. Firewater. Hooch. Sauce. Liquid panty-remover. It has many names, but no matter what you call it, in the opinion of this man - alcohol rules.

    Now before I get started on the rest of this thing (which is essentially just me raising my bottle in a toast to... well, my bottle) let me just say that I'm not an alcoholic (yet). I can go as long without drinking as I want, I just don't usually see the point. So don't write this off as the opinion of an addict.

    There are a number of reasons why I like alcohol, and only one reason I don't like it. Hangovers. But the benefits far outweigh this one drawback. And besides, hangovers can be controlled, or even eliminated, as long as you are careful (although it is hard to think about the day after while in the midst of a drinking binge). I could go on and on about all the reasons I do like drinking... it makes me a better Quake player, it makes girls more likely to flash me (or at least makes me think its more likely), and its just kind of cool to drink something that would burst into flames if you put a match to it - but the main reasons each get their very own paragraph!

    One reason is that alcohol helps promote party games. I love to play games, even when I'm sober, but some people just aren't into them. Drinking gives them a reason and motivates them to play - and to play with a fiery passion that burns deep within their bowels. As with anything fiery in the bowels, this results in more fun for everyone. I mean, can you imagine a bunch of guys getting really into a game where all you do is chuck quarters into cups if there was no alcohol involved? I think not.

    A second reason is simply the feeling I get when I drink. It makes my head all all warm and fuzzy, it makes just about everything funnier than usual, and it results in very interesting logic. For instance, I was drunk and my friend asked if I knew whether or not the store was still open. I responded with: "You have red cows on your background, so the store can't be closed yet". And the coolest part is - that actually made sense to me at the time. Another great part of the feeling is the loss of control. Not having your normal motor skills but still acting as if you do results in fun - lots of tripping, bumping into things, and falling down. Normally those things aren't actually all that fun, but fortunately for us alcohol also dulls the pain of stumbling around like a jackass.

    But the biggest reason I like alcohol so much is that I think it helps a lot of people to be themselves. Most people like to put up a front and hide what they are really thinking behind some kind of mental wall. Alcohol rips that fucker right down. Drunk people are more honest, more wacky, and more open. More like me. When I drink I get a little bit bolder and a little bit sillier, but I barely act differently at all because I'm not bullshitting the rest of the time. I really think everyone would be much happier if we just acted a little bit more drunk all of the time.

    In short, I think alcohol has gotten a bad rap. Its like a coconut, you have to get past the ugly, hairy shell of the thousands of deaths caused by drunk driving in order to taste the sweet milk of truth on the inside. Hold on, that's a terrible simile... you should look at it more like alcohol's contribution to violence and abuse is merely a pimple on the ass of what would otherwise be a flawless, naked, supple body of pure fun. Or, wait... how about this - the potential for alcohol to destroy your relationships is like the crappy prize at the bottom of a box of "Drunken-fun-and-lots-of-stumbling-around-and-talking-too-loudly Chocolate Coated Fruity Balls", you only bought the cereal for the fruity balls, and you end up forgetting about the prize and accidentally pouring it into your bowl unnoticed and then choking on it until your face turns blue. Shit... that's really no good either... look, alcohol is wonderful, believe me. I thought I could be more creative about how I said it, but I am waaaay too fuxked up frighinti nwo.