DISCLAIMERS:

The following story is a work of FICTION. Any similarity to actual people, places, or events is purely a figment of your imagination, you sick-minded fuck.

The following story is also a SATIRE. This means that it was written to entertain by depicting events and people in an exaggerated manner. Ever seen a caricature drawing? Ever had one drawn of you? Did you start crying and bitching when the artist showed it to you? In other words, it's all in fun, so don't get all butt-hurt about it. Christ, now we know how Kevin Smith feels. Heh.

So print out a copy of our little number, take it home, and act out your favorite parts with your friends! You can even do it up all Rocky Horror like, if you want. Use it as a substitute for naked Twister. Take this play and use it to get laid somehow. We don't know how it can be done, but it must be possible.

Whatthefuck Pictures Presents
a Poae-Kai Production

As Whatthefuck Turns


The Setting:
    McLeary's, an Irish pub in Anytown, U.S.A.

Dramatis Personae:

Bruce, the gay bar owner     Homer, his gay lover     Helen, the extremely loud exhibitionist     Paul, Helen's withdrawn, extremely antisocial boyfriend     Darryl, the perpetually suicidal dude     Pat, the constantly sleeping drunk     A.J., the constantly swearing drunk     Doctor Dave, the mad genius     Deborah, the mega-tall psychic chick nobody believes     Greg, the revolutionary dude     Betty, Greg's revolutionary girlfriend     Rainbow, a total hippy chick     Penelope, the EVIL SOAP OPERA DIVA     Kevin, the shadowy evil dude that everyone loves, for some reason     Random Bar Patron, a nameless, faceless, stupid motherfucker     The Perfect Woman, the utter embodiment of the feminine ideal     A Cat, a cat     A Duck, a duck

---

INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S
    It's 6:30 in the morning in this small, homey Irish pub. The interior is lit only by neon signs at this early hour, revealing PAT THE DRUNK passed out at the bar, beer mug defiantly clutched in his hand. Off in a dark corner by himself is PAUL, who seems constantly off in his own world of playing pull-tabs.

EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S

    Two men approach the entrance to the bar, taking up positions on either side of the doors. They are HOMER and BRUCE, gay lovers.

HOMER

Bitch.


BRUCE

Slut.


HOMER

Oh, you know you love it, queen.


BRUCE

You just LOVE the cock.


    At this point, DARRYL walks up to the bar entrance, a noose in one hand, razor blade in the other, and tears streaming down his face.

DARRYL

I can't believe she left me! * sob *
Didn't she know our love was meant to
be?


BRUCE

Who the fuck are you talking about?


DARRYL

NOBODY! LEAVE ME ALONE!


    Darryl walks into the bar.

HOMER
(shrugs)

Breeders.



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


DARRYL

No one ever wants to talk to me.
Insensitive pricks. * sob *


    He finds a quiet corner and makes mock passes over his wrists with the razor.

DARRYL

Just two inches closer and all my
pain could END!


PAUL
(turning from his pull-tabs)

What's wrong with you now, dude?


DARRYL

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY PAIN!!!



EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S

    HELEN walks up to HOMER and BRUCE. More specifically she walks up to BRUCE and fondles his package out of nowhere. Cue the '70's porno groove.

HELEN shouts all her lines at the top of her fucking voice.

HELEN

HEY BABY! STILL GAY?!?


BRUCE

Ummm . . . yeah. Still gay.
Gotta have the cock. Constantly.


HOMER

He LOVES the cock.


HELEN

YOU KNOW IF ANYONE COULD CHANGE
YOUR MIND, I COULD!


    She flashes her boobs at him.


BRUCE

Ummm, that's nice, but, I like my
chests a bit, er, hairier.


HELEN

FUCK YOU ANYWAY! I HAVE A MAN!
HA HA HA!


    She walks into the bar.

HOMER
(smelling the air)

(sniff, sniff), Hey, what smells like sausage?


BRUCE

Oh, just FUCK you.


INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    HELEN, standing RIGHT NEXT TO PAUL, screams:

HELEN

HAS ANYONE SEEN PAUL?!?


DARRYL

No, haven't seen him. Just . . .
oh, nevermind. (sob)

PAT
(wakes up briefly)

BELCH.


    Silence at the bar now. PAUL continues to play pull-tabs less than three feet from Helen.

HELEN

FINE, FUCK YOU, I'LL BE BACK LATER!!!


    She STORMS out of the bar.

PAUL

Thank fucking God.



EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S

    A DUCK begins waddling toward the bar.

HOMER

Hey, bitch. Looks like your kind of action.


BRUCE

FUCK YOU, that is NOT funny! I used
to DATE that duck!


Musical cue: dun dun DUN!

    The DUCK waddles on past.
    Many hours pass, and many random, nameless souls stream into the bar. DARRYL continues to cry softly to himself and mull over the best way to end his sad, sad existence. Feel sorry for him. The script commands it!
    PAT continues to snore at the bar, with the DUCK nesting on his head. PAUL continues to quietly play pull-tabs.
    Later . . .
    PENELOPE, THE EVIL SOAP OPERA DIVA, approaches the bar's entrance.

HOMER

Damn you're hot. If I wasn't gay . . .


BRUCE

Um, hi Penelope.


    PENELOPE just smiles, hands BRUCE $140, and walks inside.

HOMER

What was that all about?!?


BRUCE

Uh, um, uh . . .


Musical cue: dun dun DUN!


INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    PENELOPE enters the bar.

EVERYONE

HI PENELOPE!


    PAT runs over and humps her leg.

PENELOPE
(looking down)

Hi, Pat.


    PAT dislodges himself, returns to the bar, and goes back into a drunken stupor.

DARRYL

God I hate loose women.


EVERYONE

HUH?!?


    PAT brandishes a fish which has been wrapped in newspapers, wielding it as one would wield a bat.

PAT

I suuuuure hope you're not talkin'
'bout Miss Penelope.

    Silence grips the bar. A tumbleweed blows in out of nowhere. The DUCK quacks softly and hops off of PAT'S head, waddling behind the bar.

DARRYL

Oh, just nevermind. I'll just go
hang myself or something.


    He wanders off. Everyone ignores him.

PAT

All right then. (snore)

    A.J. walks into the bar.

A.J.

FUCK ALL OF YOU COCKSMOKERS!!!


EVERYONE

Hi, A.J.


    A.J. sits next to PAT.

A.J.

Wanna do some shots, fucker?


PAT

Yes.


    They proceed to get quietly tanked.

A.J.

Oh yeah, hi Penelope.


    PENELOPE runs up and hugs A.J., sitting in his lap.
    DOCTOR DAVE walks in.

DOCTOR DAVE

God this fucking bar sucks. I don't even know
why I come here anymore. And the owner is a
total fag.


RANDOM BAR PATRON

Who owns this place, anyway?


REGULAR BAR PATRONS
(simultaneously)

BRUCE!


RANDOM BAR PATRON

Who's that?


A.J.

Clueless motherfucker.


    PENELOPE just laughs.

DARRYL
(in background)

I'm gonna DO IT, dammit! Right
NOW, I SWEAR!


RANDOM BAR PATRON

You guys are fucking stupid.


DOCTOR DAVE

That's it, fucker. I will now use my mad
Jedi Mind Skills to blast your stupid
ass to the fuckin' netherworld.


RANDOM BAR PATRON

Oh, sure, whatever. I'm not afraid. Cock,
shit, fuck, piss, tits, bitch, gay, gay,
homo, fag, queer-



EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


HOMER

My ears are burning.


BRUCE

I told you to use KY, but nooooo . . .



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


RANDOM BAR PATRON
(continuing)

Your mom, fuck you, you suck,
bitches, ha ha ha ha ha-


DOCTOR DAVE

Hey, look at this!


RANDOM BAR PATRON

Huh?


    DOCTOR DAVE produces his medieval death ray, the NOOBALATOR, which resembles a 1950's era cereal box decoder ring.

DOCTOR DAVE

ZAP, MOTHERFUCKER!


    The RANDOM BAR PATRON disintegrates in a blinding flash of light. The bar breaks out in applause.

DOCTOR DAVE

Well, that did absolutely nothing for me.
Too easy. Fuck this, I'm going home.


    He leaves.
    Later . . .


EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    Out of the darkest, most darky-dark shadows of blackest, darkest DARKNESS comes KEVIN, THE BADASS EVIL DUDE.

BRUCE

Wow, nice. I wish I was that cool.


HOMER
(to Kevin)
You're gay.


    KEVIN trains his EYES OF ULTIMATE EVIL on Homer.

KEVIN

You equal the suck, bitch.


HOMER
(trembling in fear)
You're so right. Please forgive me.


KEVIN

Whatever, dude.



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    KEVIN enters the bar. His zone of ULTIMATE BADASSRIFFIC EVIL drops the bar's temperature by 20 degrees. The patrons turn and greet him.

EVERYONE

KEVIN!


KEVIN

Ugh.


    They fear him, even as they love him . . . all but PENELOPE, who leaps up from A.J.'s lap.

PENELOPE

KEVIN!!!


KEVIN

PENELOPE!!!


    They begin running toward one another in slow-motion, grinning beatifically, with emotionally heart-wrenching music swelling in the background.
    They get within two feet of each other and abruptly stop. The uplifting soundtrack grinds to a halt.

KEVIN

Wait a minute. This is fuckin' gay.


PENELOPE

Totally gay.



EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


BRUCE

Dude, now MY ears are burning!



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S



PENELOPE

They don't pay me enough for this!
WHERE'S MY FUCKING LATTE?


KEVIN

It's okay. Calm yourself. Uh, please.


    PENELOPE hugs KEVIN.

PENELOPE
(composes herself)

Okay.
Hey, watch this. I'm going to use my
mystical powers of mental domination
now. Heh heh.


    PENELOPE turns to the bar patrons.

PENELOPE

You want to give me money. No, what's more, you
NEED to give me money. Nothing in your life will
EVER give you more satisfaction than
giving me money. It's . . . uhh . . . to save the
whales. Yeah. For the benefit of our country.
Yeah, that's the ticket.


    Random bar patrons begin throwing money, jostling over one another in a mad attempt to be the first to give PENELOPE cash, saying things like "Take MY money!" "No, MINE!" "His money's no good, it's
counterfeit! Take MINE!"
    Soon PENELOPE is standing knee-deep in dollar bills.

DARRYL

No, seriously, I'm gonna do it! I'm depressed
and I listen to Nine Inch Nails!


PENELOPE
(irritated)

Are you still here? Why don't you give me your
money and go away?


DARRYL
(dazed)

I will give you my money and go away.


    DARRYL gives PENELOPE the last of his worldly possessions and wanders off. A GUNSHOT rings out in the distance, but no one notices.
    A small CAT wanders in and crawls on top of KEVIN's head. Anyone else attempting to pet said cat is hissed and scratched at, to say nothing of what the CAT does.


EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    DEBORAH THE PSYCHIC FRIEND approaches the bar entrance. She is seven feet tall and hotter than the hottest of hotties. Yeah.

HOMER

How's the weather up there?


DEBORAH

Oh, like I've never heard THAT before.
In fact, I had a dream last night that
you were going to say that, and you did, so
there.


BRUCE

Touchy, touchy.


DEBORAH

Don't make me cut your nuts off,
cutie-pie.



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    DEBORAH enters the bar. KEVIN jumps on DEBORAH, and they and the CAT collapse to the floor in a jumble of limbs.

PENELOPE

Kevin, what the hell are you doing with
my WIFE?!?


Musical cue: dun dun DUN!!!

PENELOPE

This is bullshit. I don't remember seeing this
in the script. Fuck this, I'm going to my trailer
for a while.


    She KILLS a random bar patron on her way out.

    HELEN re-enters the bar.

HELEN

I'M GOING TO GET NAKED NOW!


KEVIN

Um, okay?


DEBORAH

I totally dreamed this part, too!


    The CAT begins to growl.

PAT
(wakes up briefly)

BELCH!


PAUL
(to himself)

Dear sweet Christ, not again.


A.J.

Would you shut the fucking fuck UP,
you fuck?


HELEN

I WAS JUST KIDDING, HA HA.


DARRYL
(in background)

I told you I'd do it! I bet you're
sorry now!!



EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    GREG and BETTY walk up to BRUCE.

GREG

I have risen again from the darkness. I bring
with me revolution and change. O yes, things
are gonna be fuckin' different from here
on out.


HOMER

Again?


BETTY

Fuck you, dickless wonder. You're just
afraid of change.


BRUCE

Whatever. Go inside and plead your case.
Just keep it civil.


GREG

Of course! I'll make sure every last one of
these fucking nincompoops, er, I mean,
fine upstanding patrons, is completely bent
to my sadistic will and vision of the one true
world view, er, I mean, I'm sure everyone will
listen to what I say with an open mind.



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    GREG and BETTY enter the bar.

GREG

REVOLUTION!


BETTY

CHANGE!


KEVIN

What, again? Fuck this, it's nap time.


    KEVIN collapses to the floor in a narcoleptic fit.

HELEN

I DON'T UNDERSTAND! DON'T YOU WANT
TO SEE ME NAKED?!?


GREG

CHANGE!


BETTY

REVOLUTION!


    The bar patrons suddenly separate into two heavily armed contingents, screaming obscenities at each other from opposite ends of the bar. Most of the casual drinkers slink out the door, leaving only the regulars split into their factions.

GREG AND THE REVOLUTIONARIES

WE NEED TO MAKE THIS PLACE BETTER!
THINGS GOTS TA CHANGE ROUND HERE,
AND ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE IT WILL
BE SWEPT AWAY IN THE NEW ORDER!!!


EVERYONE ELSE

FUCK YOU, WE LIKE THIS PLACE THE WAY
IT IS! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE! YOU PUT THE
DICK IN DICTATOR!


    PENELOPE enters the bar. Seeing the situation, she groans.

PENELOPE

Motherfucker. This again?


    She goes over to KEVIN, who is still sprawled on the floor, and kicks him awake.

KEVIN

Graa, raa, whaaat?!?


PENELOPE

Will you get off your ass and help me?!?


KEVIN

Heh. Okay.


    KEVIN stands between the two armed camps. His CLOUD OF ULTIMATE DARKY-DARK EVIL engulfs everyone. Somebody pees their pants.
    KEVIN looks over at GREG.

KEVIN

What, specifically, do you want to change?


GREG

Huh? What?


KEVIN

I mean, like, it's a simple question.


GREG

Ummmm . . .


KEVIN

That's what I thought. (looks at Penelope)
And you woke me up for this?


    PENELOPE just smiles. The armed camps start to disband and go back to drinking.

GREG

Aw, we were just foolin' anyways about
the revolution and all. Really. Shucks.


    Everyone ignores him.

GREG

Screw this, you guys suck. Betty, let's go home.


BETTY

Yeah, fuck this place.


    They leave. The bar erupts in applause.


EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    GREG and BETTY walk out.

BRUCE

So, see you again in six months?


GREG

Just fuck off.



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


    The bar has returned to business as usual, except HELEN is now dancing around on a table.

HELEN
(singing)

PAAAAY ATTENTION, ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEE!!!


KEVIN

Whatthefuck?


PAT
(wakes up briefly)

Hey! Do I know her? Is she cool?


PENELOPE

No, not really.


PAT

Oh, okay. (thuds his head on the
bar and starts to snore again)

HELEN

WHAT WAS THAT?!? WHO'S TALKING
SHIT ABOUT ME?!?


PENELOPE

Oh, nobody. Shut the fuck up.


Musical cue: Theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"

HELEN

ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!?


PENELOPE

No, you stupid overpaid drama queen. In fact,
whatthefuck? Why are you still HERE? Kevin,
I thought she was only supposed to have TWO
scenes this episode! SHE'S TRYING TO STEAL
MY FUCKING SPOTLIGHT!!!


A.J.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
she's doing a piss-poor job.


PENELOPE

NO! I DON'T FEEL BETTER! Kevin, write her out
of the script, or I am sooooo going to my
trailer and NEVER COMING OUT until the
season finale!


EVERYONE

EEEEEK, NO! PENELOPE, FOR THE LOVE OF
CHRIST, DON'T LEAVE US!!!



EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


HOMER

Whatthefuck's all the noise in there?


BRUCE

Penelope's probably threatening to leave again.


HOMER

Think she'll really do it this time?


BRUCE

Nah, she's just as addicted as the rest of us.



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


PENELOPE

All right, bitch. It's on! Prepare to eat dick!


HELEN

I DON'T EAT DICK, DAMMIT, I'M VEGETARIAN!!!


    PENELOPE and HELEN start ninja-kicking the hell out of each other. HELEN tries to fight all girly-style with scratching, cat noises, and hair-pulling. Meanwhile, PENELOPE is lunging at her with a broken beer bottle.
    They start wrestling around on the floor. Clothes start getting ripped off and thrown about. A.J., PAT, PAUL, and KEVIN are all sitting on a couch eating popcorn, whooping it up and throwing out catcalls. DOCTOR DAVE walks in on the fracas and just happens to have a video camera ready to tape the action.

DEBORAH
(sitting in Kevin's lap)

Yep. I dreamed this part, too.


KEVIN

Oh, sure. You always say that. Always after
the fact, you always say, "I dreamed this part."
It's like, self-fulfilling prophecy.


DEBORAH

You doubt my mystical powers of truthy-truth?


KEVIN

Oh, no. Not at all.


DEBORAH
(gets up)

Just for that, I will divine your future! A blond woman
who is supposed to be your one true love will come
looking for you soon, but you will be too wrapped up
in someone else to notice. Therefore, you are cursed!
DOOMED, HA HA!


KEVIN

Umm, yeah. And I suppose you dreamed this part, too.


DEBORAH

You know it.


KEVIN

Whatever, dude. That's not in the script I wrote
for this episode. And anyway, I've got to write Helen
out before Penelope kills her. Fuck. 'Scuse me for a sec.


    KEVIN starts writing like mad, racing against time as PENELOPE gets the upper hand on HELEN and prepares to deal a final, fatal head bash with PAT's borrowed fish-bat.

    Suddenly:

KEVIN

There! Done!


    A final flourish of his pen, and HELEN vanishes. POOF.

PAUL

Fuck. Guess I gotta go make a phone call
now. Jee-zus Christ . . . (wanders off)

PENELOPE

About goddamned time, Kevin! What took you so long?


KEVIN

Hey, you try writing this shit with a
pen! It's not as fast as typing, you know.


DARRYL
(in background)

I'm serious! I have a gun and everything!


KEVIN

Shut the fuck UP! God!


Musical cue: peaceful trippy Celtic hippyriffic psychedelic tune.
    In walks RAINBOW, the TOTAL HIPPY CHICK.

RAINBOW

I heard noise outside. Is everyone okay? I've come
to increase everyone's harmony with my psychic
healing energy.


    PAT wakes up and looks at his script.

PAT

Is it time for me to belch again yet?


PENELOPE

No, but here's your bat back.


PAT

Ah, thanks. (thud, snore)

PENELOPE

Come with me, Rainbow. Let me help
you, uh, increase the peace. Yeah.


    The two women wander off and lie on top of each other in a dark corner of the bar.

KEVIN

Hey, Deborah. Isn't that Rainbow with your wife?


Musical cue: dun dun DUN!!!

DEBORAH

It's okay. I dreamed this part, too.


    DEBORAH wanders over to RAINBOW and PENELOPE and, er, joins in. KEVIN jumps on top of DEBORAH. A.J., for some inexplicable reason, jumps on KEVIN.

PAT
(wakes up)

Huh? Whoa! MONKEY LOVE PILE!!!



EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


HOMER

Did you hear that?


BRUCE

Yep.


HOMER

Fuck me, it's too bad we're not in this scene.


BRUCE

Fucking writers. They never write in a sex scene for ME.



INTERIOR-MCLEARY'S

EXPLICIT SCENE FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. You must have parental permission and/or a valid credit card number to view this scene.

    Later . . .

    Exhausted, sweaty bar patrons stagger back to their appointed spots.

PAT

Whoa. That was the best MLP ever.


A.J.

I dunno. My ass kinda hurts. What's
up with that?


DUCK

Quack, quack.
(Translation: Yeah, you like that, doncha bitch?)


KEVIN

Owie, owie, owie!


PENELOPE

What's wrong?


KEVIN

I was on the bottom and I must have got
a splinter from the floor. See, right here in my finger!
Ouchie ow, oh the humanity!


PENELOPE

Oh, come with me, you big crybaby.


A.J.

Where are you going? The show isn't over yet.


PENELOPE

It is NOW, goddammit! We can't have a show
without a writer! Fuck this, we're going to my trailer,
and I MEAN IT this time!


    PENELOPE and KEVIN exit the bar.


EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S


HOMER
(to Kevin)

You're gay.


KEVIN

Maybe so, but you STILL equal the suck.


HOMER

You love the cock.


PENELOPE

YES, GODDAMMIT. I ADMIT IT, OKAY?!? I LOVE
THE COCK! I CAN'T FUCKING GET ENOUGH OF IT,
ALL RIGHT? CAN WE MOVE ON NOW? FUCK!!!


HOMER
(speechless)

Umm . . . actually, I was talking to Kevin.


PENELOPE

Oh. Okay. Sorry.


BRUCE

Hi, Penelope.


PENELOPE

Fuck you, I'm still pissed at you. Oh,
here's your fucking money!


    She throws a fat wad of cash at him.

BRUCE

Thanks. But . . . why were you pissed at me again?


    PENELOPE walks off shaking her head.

KEVIN
(to Bruce)

Whole fuckin' world's against us, dude,
I swear to god. Hey, wait!


    KEVIN runs after PENELOPE.
    A few moments later, the PERFECT WOMAN walks up to McLeary's. She's so gorgeous and so perfectly perfect that even the gay guys are sporting wood.

PERFECT WOMAN
(in a perfect voice)

Is there a guy named Kevin here?


BRUCE
(awestruck)

Uh, uh, uh . . . yeah. But you just missed him.


PERFECT WOMAN

Do you know where he went?


BRUCE

Uh, uh, uh . . . yeah. He went with Penelope.
To her trailer. Uh, I think.

PERFECT WOMAN

Oh. Nevermind then.


    She starts to walk away.

HOMER

Why are you looking for Kevin, O Perfect Woman?


    THE PERFECT WOMAN looks over her shoulder and smiles.

PERFECT WOMAN

Because I LOVE the cock.


    She walks off into the sunset.

    DEBORAH stares after her from McLeary's front window with a satisfied grin.

DEBORAH

HA! Doubt my mystical Amazon powers,
will you! HA HA HA!



INTERIOR-PENELOPE'S TRAILER



PENELOPE

What the fuck are you talking about? How
can you POSSIBLY cook a steak in a wok?!?


KEVIN

Goddammit, I'm SERIOUS! It can be DONE!!!


PENELOPE

WhatEVER! Hold your hand out so I can get
this splinter.


KEVIN

Have you ever done this before?


PENELOPE

I've seen worse. Now, don't worry. This
won't hurt a bit.


    She raises a shiny meat cleaver high over KEVIN's outstretched hand.

KEVIN
(totally not noticing the cleaver)

This is so embarrassing. Thanks for helping me out.


PENELOPE

No problem.


    WHOOSH.


EXTERIOR-MCLEARY'S

    A high-pitched SCREAM pierces the night. Much whooping and hollering follows.

HOMER
(nodding)

Yep. She LOVES the cock.


BRUCE

More than anything.


HOMER
(suspicious)

WHAT?!?


Musical cue: dun dun DUN!!!

---

    Tune in for the next exciting episode! Someone will die! True feelings will be revealed! Heads will roll! And the e-mail STILL won't fucking work!

    DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL! THE SOAP OPERA'S JUST BEGUN!!!