Considering that the writers of this series went out and actually got lives (or reasonable facsimiles thereof) since the last episode, it's been harder than hell to come up with ideas for this one. You know, because we don't really hang out here all that much anymore. Like I said, because we have lives now. Not like you guys don't... we just have real ones.

    Lots of people begged and pleaded to be in this next episode. Lots of people. The problem is, we don't really know a lot of you all that well, and a lot of you that we do know, we wish we didn't. Another problem, too, is writing a part for someone with no fucking personality. I mean, we're writers, not magicians. Besides, it's totally not based on real people anyway. Shit. It's fiction. There was even a disclaimer the first time! It's not real, people! You want real drama, go have unprotected sex and knock up your girlfriend, or kill your parents, or rob a bank. Not that we personally advocate any of these activities, and if you do these things, don't try to blame them on us. Blame it on Satan instead. Or Marilyn Manson. Or Eminem. I don't care, just leave us out of it.

    So, anyway. With that in mind, on with the show. All the world's a stage, as Shakespeare said... but Shakespeare's dead, and we're not. I have no idea what that's supposed to prove, but insomnia makes everything sound clever these days. Fuck off.



Whatthefuck Pictures Presents
a Poae-Kai Production:

As Whatthefuck Turns II:
A Shortcut to Mushrooms



Dramatis Personae:

Bruce, owner of McLeary's (gay)
Homer, co-owner of McLeary's (super-duper-mega-ultra-gay)
Helen, housewife and mother of four
Paul, Helen's withdrawn, extremely antisocial husband
Pat, the recovering alcoholic, failed politician

Doctor Dave, C.E.O. of MicroNintenSegaSonyCorp
Senator John Robinson, Green Party politico from California
Deborah, Oscar-winning actress
Penelope, retired soap opera diva, mystic seer
Chris, Penelope's son, juvenile delinquent
Kevin, rock star, writer, poet, samurai, wuss
Kitty Divine, porno starlet, nympho
Shaggy McNasty, porn king
Andrea, rebellious college girl
A Duck, a duck
Extras, random dumbasses

Guest starring:

Darth Vader as himself
Andrea's Dad, an overprotective nutcase
Cameron Diaz, Bruce's psycho hetero love interest
David Carradine as the Spirit Guide


EXTERIOR: UTAH BADLANDS

PENELOPE, baking under the hot sun, with half of her clothes ripped and torn, revealing random patches of skin (woo!) trudges across the desert. She pauses and lifts her eyes to the far-off Rocky Mountains.


PENELOPE

Are we there yet?


By her side is DAVID CARRADINE (you know, the guy from Kung Fu? Fucking A people... watch the Classics!), her spirit guide.


DAVID CARRADINE

The road to enlightenment is different for each person.
You must walk your own path, my child.


PENELOPE

That's a load of shit. Right now I'd be happy
if my "path" led me to a goddamned cheeseburger
and a bathroom!


They trudge across the desert for what seems to them like hours and hours, but thanks to the magic of movie-making and clever editing the audience only has to endure a few seconds of desert montages before:


PENELOPE

Finally! Fuck!


DAVID CARRADINE

We have reached the base of the mountains, from which,
as in life itself, you must climb to the pinnacle
of enlightenment. Only then can you see with open eyes.


PENELOPE

Wait a second. First you haul my happy ass
across the desert to the middle of Bumfuck,
Nowhere, and now you want me to go
MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING, too? Fuck this, you suck!
I'm going back to my... oh wait. I don't
have a trailer anymore.


DAVID CARRADINE

Before you can be brought high, first you must
be brought low.


PENELOPE

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?


DAVID CARRADINE

It means sit your whiny ass down and I'll give you
some of these choice mushrooms I picked on the way here.


PENELOPE

Ooo! You're the best spirit guide ever!


DAVID CARRADINE and PENELOPE sit down at the base of the Rockies. CARRADINE pulls out some dried, funky looking purple shrooms.


DAVID CARRADINE

These will guide you on your quest. My people have
been using them to "journey" for thousands of years.


PENELOPE

Your "people?" You're whiter than I am, pal.


DAVID CARRADINE
(exasperated)

Just take the fucking shrooms so I can go home, okay?


PENELOPE

Fine, god, you don't have to be so snippy!


PENELOPE eats some shrooms.


DAVID CARRADINE

Now your journey can begin-in-in-in-in...


PENELOPE

Why are you echoing like that?


DAVID CARRADINE

Shhh, it's special effects.


Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" begins to play out of nowhere. The landscape warps and twists, and everything generally looks like what the sixties' idea of a music video was. JERRY GARCIA's disembodied head wanders by.


JERRY GARCIA

Hey, man... are you cool?


PENELOPE
(like, mad trippin' yo!)

I am waaaaay cool...



The sky splits open. A purple shaft of light descends from the rift in the clouds, and JIMI HENDRIX wanders out and approaches PENELOPE.



JIMI

Hey, little sister. Time to get on now.


PENELOPE

Where are we going?


JIMI
(laughing)

That don't matter, man. It's the journey, not
the destination.


PENELOPE

Wow, that is soooo profound, maaaan. Like,
I mean... whoaaaa...


JIMI
(to Carradine)

Jesus, man, how much of this stuff did you give her?


DAVID CARRADINE

Well, it's not my fault! Look at her, she weighs
like a hundred pounds! I'm used to fat internet geeks
with a Star Trek obsession and a Visa card!



JIMI shakes his head and leads PENELOPE over toward a shimmering purple portal that's opened in the side of the mountain.



PENELOPE

Raaa? Wheralaa?



JIMI shoves her through the portal.
(Now's the part with all the cool special effects and stuff, with PENELOPE tumbling right through the middle of it. Same general idea as the end of 2001. If you haven't seen 2001, you won't know what I'm talking about, and that's your problem. That's what you get for missing the classics and spending all your time jacking off to old South Park reruns.)

Purple mist covers everything...



DOC BROWN

Look out, Marty! It's the Libyans!


Whoooooosh...


FADE TO BLACK.


FADE IN:


EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S


HOMER

What do you mean, she won't see you?


BRUCE

I dunno. Maybe someone told her I used to
be gay.



BRUCE stares at HOMER.



HOMER
(looking away)

I have no idea what you're talking about.



Musical cue: dun dun DUN!!!

PENELOPE staggers toward the bar holding her head in both hands.



BRUCE

What the hell happened to your clothes? I mean,
not that I mind or anything.


HOMER

You are so much less fun now that you're a
wannabe breeder, you know that?


BRUCE

Shut up a second. Penelope, are you okay?
You don't look so good.


PENELOPE

I think I'm gonna be sick.


BRUCE

Uh, ummm... I didn't do it!


PENELOPE
(looks confused)

Bruce, you look old. Are you losing your
hair or something?


BRUCE
(covers his scalp)

NO! NO, NO, NO!



PENELOPE stares at him for a moment and walks into the bar.



HOMER

That was weird.


BRUCE

What? That's all you have to say? No "witty"
remark? No smartass comment?


HOMER

Your mother?


BRUCE

Okay. That's more like it.



INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

PENELOPE stands frozen at the door, utterly confused. A few EXTRAS wander by aimlessly. One of them standing at the threshold of the door bows to her.


PENELOPE
(whispers)

What the hell?



PENELOPE begins to slowly make her way to the bar, looking around at strangely unfamiliar surroundings. A 64 inch HDTV hangs on one side of the bar, the CD jukebox has been replaced by a tiny four-inch black cube labeled "mp9 player," and according to the sign over the bar, the drinking age is now 24.



PENELOPE

What the fuck? I don't recognize any of you fuckers!



ANDREA walks through the door in a huff.



ANDREA

Bartender, line 'em up and keep 'em coming.
I wanna drink until I can forget I still live with
my dad. Oh, hi Penelope!


PENELOPE
(confused)

Who are you?


ANDREA

What do you mean, who am I? Are you okay?


PENELOPE
(dawning realization)

What the... you're old...


ANDREA

Well, fuck you too!


PENELOPE
(frantic)

Wait, what day is this? The date?


ANDREA

It's New Year's Eve, you weirdo!


PENELOPE

But what year?!?


ANDREA

What? It's 2007, you dumbass!


PENELOPE

Oh my fucking god...



She FAINTS.


ANDREA bends down to help, but a burst of microphonic feedback from outside makes her stiffen and stand up.



ANDREA

Please no... not again...



EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

ANDREA'S DAD sits in his car, pulled up to the curb alongside the bar, blasting forth with his megaphone.


ANDREA'S DAD

BRUCE, I KNOW MY DAUGHTER'S IN THERE! THIS
IS ANDREA'S FATHER. LISTEN BUDDY, YOU'VE GOT
A MINOR CHILD THERE IN YOUR BAR. SHE'S ONLY
20 YEARS OLD. NOW, YOU WILL CEASE ALL CONTACT
WITH HER, OR I'LL HAVE THIS PLACE SHUT DOWN,
THEN I'LL CONTACT THE POLICE. NO BAR, NO JOB,
JAIL TIME. YOU GOT IT? YOU'RE FUCKING UP THE
WRONG TREE. NOW GET MY DAUGHTER OUT OF THERE.


BRUCE

This again. Happens every fucking time.


HOMER

Maybe if you made friends in your own age group?


BRUCE

Fuck you.


HOMER

Oh yeah, baby. Love it when you talk dirty.



ANDREA walks out of the bar.




ANDREA

Sorry, guys. Looks like my ride is here already.


BRUCE

You know, you really should move out. Seriously.



ANDREA shrugs, gets into her DAD's car, and drives away.

PAUL walks to the bar's entrance.




BRUCE

Hey, Paul, long time no see! How's the
wife and kids?


PAUL

Well, I'm here on a Monday morning, you do the math.



PAUL staggers into the bar.




HOMER

See what you're headed for? They're called
"breeders" for a reason!



INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

PAUL, exhausted, stumbles through the bar, steps over PENELOPE without even seeing her, and heads straight for the pull-tab machine.



PAUL

Ahhh... sweet empty bliss.



EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S



HOMER

Well, look who it is. Didn't think you'd show
your sorry face around here again.



PAT stops and stands in front of HOMER and BRUCE.



PAT

Yeah, well... a lot changes over five years,
you know?


HOMER

Heard you lost the run for governor. Heard
it was because of your little drinking problem.
Couldn't have happened to a nicer asshole.


BRUCE

Come on, Homer. Cut the guy a break. Even if,
you know, he doesn't exactly deserve one. Pat,
it's not exactly good to see you again, but at least
your presence here isn't causing any rampant anal
bleeding or anything like that.


PAT

Yeah, that's Homer's job, isn't it?


HOMER

No, I'll tell you what my job is, though: keeping
degenerate fucks such as yourself out of my bar.


PAT

Your bar? Whatthefuck?


HOMER

That's right. I took over part ownership five years
ago. And oh, if memory serves, you still have
bar receipts you haven't paid, don't you?


PAT

My tab? You're bringing up my tab?


HOMER

Damn straight. And for the first time in the history
of this place, I'm exercising my executive privilege.
You are banned, fucker. Now get out of here.



Musical cue: dun dun DUN!!!

And now, to save space and time, we're not expending any more creative effort on PAT. He disappears in a puff of logic.

A white Cadillac pulls up to the front of the bar. SHAGGY MCNASTY and KITTY DIVINE step out of the car and saunter over to BRUCE and HOMER.



KITTY
(to Bruce)

Hey there, honey. I've got something... wet... and
warm... I'd like to share with you. (wink)


BRUCE

Uh, um... is it a pizza?


HOMER

A pizza? I don't remember ordering pizza, though.



SHAGGY instantly transforms into a pizza delivery guy.



SHAGGY

No pizza? But it's... packed full of sausage. (dramatic pause)
Don't you... like sausage?


HOMER

I like sausage just fine-


SHAGGY

That's what I like to hear.



Musical cue: 1970's porno groove

SHAGGY starts to unbutton the top button of his shirt.



BRUCE and HOMER

No! No!!!



The music grinds to a halt.




BRUCE

Just go inside.


SHAGGY

Oh yeah. I like to... go inside.



Musical cue: 1970's porno groove




BRUCE and HOMER

No! No!!!



The music grinds to a halt.

BRUCE and HOMER spend the next fifteen minutes trying to find a way to suggest to SHAGGY and KITTY that they get inside the bar, without the two porn stars being able to twist it around into some sick sexual innuendo. Eventually, they just physically hurl them through the doors.



INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

Only a few minutes after entering the bar, SHAGGY and KITTY are already going at it on top of the nearest pool table.



KITTY

Oh. Yes. Yes. Give it to me. Baby. Oh.
Oh. Yes. God. Fuck yes. Yeah.


SHAGGY

Mmmm... uuuugggghhh...


(half an hour and three position changes later)


KITTY

Mmmrrflmrr?


SHAGGY

Fuck yeah, suck that cock you slut! Suck it!
Suck that COCK!


PENELOPE
(jerks awake)

YES I LOVE THE COCK, OKAY! CAN WE MOVE ON NOW?


The entire bar freezes.



BARTENDER

Uh, Penelope dear, that was last episode.


PENELOPE

Oh. Sorry.


EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

A DUCK waddles up to the front of the bar, with three BABY DUCKS trailing behind her. All the BABY DUCKS have purple feathers.



DUCK

Quack!


HOMER looks at BRUCE suspiciously.




BRUCE

What?


HOMER

Nothing. Why? Guilty conscience?


BRUCE

Uhhh... I didn't do it, I swear! I mean, okay,
there was that one time, but we haven't been dating
for a long time!


DUCK

Quack!!!


BRUCE

No! It wasn't me!!! That was years ago!



The DUCK and her BABY DUCKS wander into the bar.

Musical cue: the Imperial March theme from Empire Strikes Back

DARTH VADER stalks mercilessly toward the front of the bar.



BRUCE AND HOMER

Uhhh... uhhh...


DARTH VADER does his choky Force grip thing on HOMER and then stares at BRUCE.



DARTH VADER

Tell me where I can find the one called Kevin.


BRUCE

I don't know. He hasn't been around here in years.
Ever since he got in that band of his, and ever since he started
writing for a living, we haven't really heard a lot from him.


HOMER

Graa... hack...


DARTH VADER

I sense a disturbance in the Force. If he is not here now, then
he will be. I will wait here for him, and he will come to me.
When he arrives, you will tell him nothing. If you do...
(dramatic pause)


BRUCE

Death, pain, destruction, got it.



VADER releases his grip on HOMER and enters the bar.




HOMER

Wheeze, hack... dude, this is just all kinds of fucked up.
Makes you wonder just who's pulling the strings, you know?


BRUCE

What are you talking about?


HOMER

I dunno... did you ever get the feeling that you're like,
just a character in someone else's script?


BRUCE

That's just crazy talk... like I'd really have Cameron
Diaz as a girlfriend in any decent script. Totally unbelievable.


HOMER

No shit.




INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S


DARTH VADER finds the most absolutely dark corner of the bar that he can find and waits there ominously. Fortunately enough, PENELOPE just happened to be in the bathroom as he walked in. Why this is a fortunate thing is something we shall learn later. Can you say foreshadowing? Good!

Hours go by, and the bar becomes filled with random patrons, i.e., EXTRAS. So many extras, in fact, that PENELOPE is still able to remain undetected by VADER the whole time. PENELOPE just sits in the bar, a dazed observer of the strange goings-on as 2007 draws to a close.

DOCTOR DAVE, C.E.O. of MicroNintenSegaSonyCorp, and SENATOR JOHN ROBINSON (G., CA) enter the bar.



DOCTOR DAVE

Dude, I don't think I ever got around to thanking
you for covering my ass during that whole hostile
takeover thing back in '04.


SENATOR ROBINSON

Well, hell dude. Any man who's singlehandedly responsible
for the assassination of Bill Gates and subverting that piece of crap
Windows XPNT2 2003 Professional Millennium Plus Edition operating
system is okay by me. Plus, you know. The campaign
contributions definitely didn't hurt.


DOCTOR DAVE

I'll never forget the look on Gates' face when I hit
him with the Noobalator. Fucking priceless.


SENATOR ROBINSON

Well, it would be priceless, if the video weren't selling
for 80 bucks apiece on e-bay.


DOCTOR DAVE

Heheheh. Touch of genius on my part, bringing
a camcorder along.


SENATOR ROBINSON

Again, I'll have to call you out on that one, since you've always
carried that damn camcorder with you everywhere you go.


DOCTOR DAVE

Well, you never know when a good opportunity for
an amateur porn video will come by.


SHAGGY

Did someone say... amateur porn?



Musical cue: 1970s porn music

SHAGGY starts to unbutton his shirt.



DOCTOR DAVE

Not right now. I'll have my people call your people.
We'll do lunch.


KITTY

I know something I'd like to eat... and it's not lunch...



She starts hanging all over DAVE.



DOCTOR DAVE

Away, hellbeast! Away!



DAVE and the SENATOR duck away from the Porno Twins and find a quiet corner of the bar to discuss their machinations for world domination.



DARTH VADER

Nnnng! Dammit! What a time for my diarrhea to act up!


DARTH VADER races to the bathroom.



DOCTOR DAVE

He should've used Immodium AD.



EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

An environmentally-friendly, hydrogen-powered limousine pulls up to the front of McLeary's. A red carpet automatically unfurls from the side of the car, spearing out straight toward the door. Out of the limo steps DEBORAH, all seven Amazon feet of her. The Oscar-winning actress saunters to the door.



BRUCE

Wow, haven't seen you in a while.


DEBORAH

Yeah, well, I've been busy. You know, with the acting,
and the acting, and the acting. Oh, and the acting.


BRUCE

Okay then. Hey, saw your last movie. It was cool.


HOMER

Yeah, funny how they were able to digitally enhance Tom Cruise
so he'd be taller than you.


DEBORAH

Shut up.



DEBORAH enters the bar.


INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

DEBORAH walks through the bar, hunting for someone among all the faces there. She sees PENELOPE, her eyes widen, and she rushes over to her.



DEBORAH

Hey, it's my ex-wife! It's been ages!



DEBORAH hugs her, then looks at her with a pained expression on her face.




DEBORAH

You look like crap, Penelope. Are you okay?


PENELOPE

Yeah... it's just been a really weird day.


DEBORAH

You still look pretty young, though. Did you get a
face lift or something?


PENELOPE

Umm... yeah. Yeah, a facelift. That's the ticket.


DEBORAH

Have you seen Kevin anywhere? No one seems to know
where he is, I've looked everywhere.


PENELOPE

No, I haven't seen him in... a while.



EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S

Ten-year-old CHRIS rides up on a tricked-out scooter, wearing a motorcycle jacket, spiked bright red hair, and an attitude. He's followed by about a dozen fifteen-year-old girls who worship the ground he scoots on.



BRUCE

Well, hey there Chris. Those are some cute looking girls
you've got there with you.


CHRIS

Back offa my wimmins, you loser! My mom warned me about you!
You moron! You're not stealing my girlfriends!


BRUCE

Okay, geez!


HOMER
(laughing)

You could learn a thing or two from this kid, queen.


CHRIS
(over his shoulder on the way
into the bar)

By the way, I'm s'posed to ask you to babysit
me again this Friday. Do it, or I'll kick you in the nuts!



He enters the bar.



INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S


CHRIS

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
MOM! MOM! MOOOOM!!! MOOOOOOMMMM!!!


PENELOPE

Oh my god... no...


CHRIS

MOM!!! MOMMMMM!!!


PENELOPE

Chris?


CHRIS

MOM! Give me some money!


PENELOPE

What?


CHRIS

Gimme some money! The cops are riding my ass
again about my speeding tickets!


PENELOPE

Watch your language, Chris!


CHRIS

What? Fine, screw you, mom. I'm going home.
I'll just beat up some high school kids and get my
money that way, then.


DOCTOR DAVE

Yeah, high school kids are just a bunch of pussies, anyway.


CHRIS

Yeah, but you're a pussy too.


PENELOPE

Chris! Don't say that word!


DOCTOR DAVE

Unless you're talking about cats...


KITTY

Like me! Would you like to... pet the kitty? She's
a... happy... little kitty... she just needs some...
love...


PENELOPE

Get away from my son, you sick bitch!



The whole bar freezes. We see that whole Matrix-effect pan-around camera thing. Trust me, it looks pretty fucking bad-ass.

When the camera sweep is over:

Musical cue: Mortal Kombat theme music



PENELOPE

Transform!



A bright FLASH, and PENELOPE transforms into BADASS PENELOPE, dressed in a leather jumpsuit.



BADASS PENELOPE

You're in deep shit now, you little slut.


DEBORAH

Yeah, especially since I'm here too!



DEBORAH strikes a dramatic pose, and speaks her word of transformation.




DEBORAH

Kiamon!



A bright FLASH, and DEBORAH is now AMAZON WARRIOR PRINCESS DEBORAH, complete with armor and doing all sorts of freaky-deaky Kung Fu shit that looks way, way, way cool.


The DUCK waddles over.




DUCK

Quack!!!



The DUCK transforms as well, morphing into human form (a twin of DEBORAH) and wearing a liquid latex jumpsuit.



HUMAN DUCK

Quack!!!



The three suddenly badassified women take up positions encircling the ill-fated KITTY.



KITTY
(totally not appreciating the situation)

Ooo, yeah. I can do a girl-on-girl scene with
the three of you. Mmmmm...


DOCTOR DAVE

Damn, Chris, your mom looks hot!


CHRIS

Shut up! Don't you ever say that!




EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S


The doors BURST open, and KITTY'S broken, destroyed body flies through the door, landing in a wrecked heap in the middle of the road.



BRUCE

Jesus! Is she okay?



KITTY struggles to sit up.



KITTY

I'm okay... I'll be... okay...



A semi truck ROARS by and flattens her.



HOMER

Well, fuck. Nevermind.



CAMERON DIAZ drives up in an old Ford Mustang.



BRUCE

Ah, hell.


HOMER

Ha ha ha ha!


CAMERON DIAZ

Bruce, it's time to go now.


BRUCE

I can't go yet.


CAMERON DIAZ

Bruce, I want to go right now! I'm tired!


BRUCE

But I can't go, this scene isn't even over yet!


CAMERON DIAZ

Bruce, get in the car!


BRUCE

Okay. Sorry, Homer, you'll have to finish out the
day without me.


HOMER

You're abandoning us? Your friends? You fucker!!!


BRUCE

I'm sorry, man, I gotta go.



BRUCE gets in the car.



BRUCE

So where are we going?


CAMERON DIAZ

I want to talk first.


BRUCE

Okay, so talk.


CAMERON DIAZ

What is happiness to you, Bruce?


BRUCE

Huh?


CAMERON DIAZ

I mean, four times, you fucked me four times, that
means something! I swallowed your cum! And when
you have sex with someone... your body makes a
promise, even if you didn't!


BRUCE
(voiceover)

What in the flying FUCK?!?


CAMERON DIAZ

Nevermind, I don't want you to go with me.
Get out.


BRUCE

But I thought we were supposed to spend time together-


CAMERON DIAZ

Get out!



BRUCE gets out of the car. CAMERON DIAZ and the Mustang SPEED away.



HOMER

Tough break, dude. But what have I been saying
all this time? If it's got tits, it's nothing but trouble.



KEVIN drives up in the same piece of shit car he's been driving for the past seven years.



BRUCE

Uhhh... hi, Kevin.




KEVIN gets out of the car.



KEVIN

You look so happy to see me.


BRUCE

Well, you see-



A huge EXPLOSION rocks the street, and the three of them fall to the ground.



HOMER

What the fuck was that?!?


BRUCE
(dawning realization)

Oh no! Cameron!



Flames ROAR from the burning wreckage of the Mustang. Nothing could possibly survive in that twisted inferno of hot metal. Nothing except FUTURE PENELOPE, who walks right out of the flames, wiping the dust from her hands with a satisfied expression on her face. She lights a cigarette from the flames and walks up to the bar.



FUTURE PENELOPE

Well, that's taken care of.



KEVIN laughs and walks into the bar.


INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S


KEVIN enters the bar.



KEVIN

Wow. Been a long time since I've been in this shithole.


EVERYONE

KEVIN!



INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S BATHROOM


DARTH VADER, hunched atop a toilet and calmly reading the comics in the newspaper, laughs to himself.



DARTH VADER

Heh, heh, heh... that crazy Marmaduke.


EVERYONE
(in distance)

KEVIN!


DARTH VADER

Kevin? At last!


He tosses the paper aside and stands. The camera cuts away just in time to avoid a glimpse of his, er... lightsaber.

INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S




SENATOR ROBINSON

You know what I'll never understand about you?


KEVIN

What's that?


SENATOR ROBINSON

Well, with all the money you're pulling in from your
music career and your book royalties, you'd think you'd
get a new car instead of still driving that old beater.


KEVIN

I only drive that on weekends and holidays now, ever
since Deborah got me a Humvee for my birthday last year.


AMAZON WARRIOR PRINCESS DEBORAH

Shut up, stupidness.


KEVIN

Bitch.


A.W.P. DEBORAH

Cunt.


They hug.



AUDIENCE

Awwwwww.



The door to the men's room BURSTS open, and DARTH VADER strides out triumphantly.



DARTH VADER

At last, Kevin, we meet again. You will join the Dark
Side, or you will...
(dramatic pause)


KEVIN

Die?


DARTH VADER

Yes!


KEVIN

Yeah, I know. You told me that last time.




VADER ignites his lightsaber.





DARTH VADER

You are unwise to lower your defenses!



VADER swings at KEVIN, who ignites his own lightsaber and deftly blocks. The EXTRAS struggle to get the fuck out of the way, but of course, because I'm feeling particularly bloodthirsty, one or two get decapitated on VADER's backswing.

CHRIS runs around the bar swinging his own toy lightsaber, hollering at the top of his lungs, and PRESENT PENELOPE chases after him, trying to get him under control.

VADER and KEVIN commence the first part of their duel.


EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S





BRUCE
(confused)

Penelope?



The scene that follows totally looks like the final scene from Grease, when Olivia Newton John becomes all bad-girl and John Travolta is like, whatthefuck? Yeah, just like that.





PENELOPE
(crushing out her cigarette)

What's up, stud?


BRUCE

Um... uh... you killed my girlfriend!


PENELOPE

She wasn't in your cards anyway. It was fate for her to die.
Yeah. Fate...


BRUCE

But it was Cameron Fucking Diaz! Do you know
how long it'll be before I find another woman
like Cameron Fucking Diaz!


PENELOPE

Oh, you find her type all the time.


HOMER

Can I just say something here?


BRUCE and PENELOPE

NO!


HOMER

Fine. I'll just stand over here and, you know,
be gay. Mmm, that cock. Gotta have some.




INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S


DARTH VADER and KEVIN's climactic lightsaber duel continues. EXTRAS struggle to stay the hell out of the way as the two combatants pull all sorts of mad wicked Jedi shit.



DARTH VADER

You have controlled your fear. Now... release
your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.


KEVIN

What if I'm not particularly interested in destroying you?


DARTH VADER
(pauses)

What?


KEVIN

I mean, what do I have against you personally anyway?
Sure, you're kind of a dick, but I mean, I kind of am too.
So it's not as though we have nothing in common.


DARTH VADER

So you'll come to the Dark Side then?


KEVIN

What have I been trying to tell you all this time?
I'm already there! You've just been too busy to notice!
Strangling random Imperial officers, killing Rebels, kissing
the Emperor's ass. What about me? What about my needs?
All I ever wanted was for you to accept me.



FUTURE PENELOPE walks in. Seeing the two warriors standing with swords drawn, she snorts in disgust.



FUTURE PENELOPE

Dammit, Dad! I thought you said you and Kevin
weren't going to fight anymore!


PRESENT PENELOPE
(horrified)

Dad?!?


DARTH VADER

It's just that you're my son, and I only want what's best for you.


KEVIN

No, Dad! You want what's best for you! Well I'm not you, all right?
I'm not the big bad supervillain, but I'm okay with that! Because
I'm just trying to be me. So stop trying to turn me into you!


DARTH VADER

We'll discuss this later, son. In the meantime, give the whole
Dark Side thing some thought. I mean, it's got great benefits,
full health coverage, a great 401K-


KEVIN

Dad!


DARTH VADER

Okay, okay. I'm going. Do you need any money or anything,
any help at all-


KEVIN

Dad!!!


DARTH VADER

All right then. Well... call us. You know how your mother
worries.


KEVIN

I will.


DARTH VADER

May the Force be with you.


KEVIN

Yeah, whatever, you too I guess.




DARTH VADER exits the bar.



FUTURE PENELOPE

Seriously, Kevin, you all need to get counseling.



CHRIS tugs on FUTURE PENELOPE'S sleeve.



CHRIS

Mom! Mom! Mom! Moooommm!
MOM! MOM MOM MOM MOM!


FUTURE PENELOPE
(handing Chris a random wad of cash)

I don't have no time for you.


DOCTOR DAVE

Wait a minute. Wait just a goddamned minute.
There's two Penelopes!



The bar freezes.



PRESENT PENELOPE
(talking to her future self)

We need to talk.


CHRIS

MOM! MOM!


FUTURE PENELOPE

What?!? Chris, I told you I don't got no
time for you!


PRESENT PENELOPE

I said we-


FUTURE PENELOPE
(interrupting)
I don't even got no time for myself.



FUTURE PENELOPE walks right past PRESENT PENELOPE and exits the bar.


PRESENT PENELOPE

God I hate myself. I'm such a bitch.




EXTERIOR- MCLEARY'S



HELEN walks up to the front of the bar with four screaming, crying, whining kids in tow. Her hair is up in curlers, she's wearing a peeling green facial mask, and she looks exhausted as all hell.




HELEN

Bruce, have you seen Paul?


BRUCE

Yeah, he's been here since this morning, why?


HELEN

Thanks. I've been looking for him all day and- CALM
DOWN YOU LITTLE BASTARDS MOMMY'S TALKING!
I haven't been able to find him anywhere.


BRUCE

Well, he's probably camped out in front of the pull tab
machine, like always.


HELEN

Thanks. I'm sure that's where he- GODDAMMIT I
SAID STOP IT! I'M GONNA BEAT ALL YOUR ASSES
WHEN WE GET HOME IF YOU DON'T SETTLE DOWN!



HELEN and her brood enter the bar.




HOMER

Dude, I'm telling you. This is what you're headed for.
Come back to the Gay Side, Bruce. Come back.


BRUCE

Get bent.




INTERIOR- MCLEARY'S


HELEN searches through the crowd for her husband.

Finally:




HELEN

There you are!!!


PAUL

Oh, fuck.


HELEN

I've been looking for you all day long! And you've
been camped out in this fucking bar while I've been
trying to take care of YOUR kids and BERRERERERERERER!


PAUL

Wait, what was that last part?


HELEN

I said BERERERERERERERERER!
BERERER, RER, BERERERERER!


PAUL

Huh?


HELEN

BERERERERERER!!!




PENELOPE stares at HELEN.




CHRIS

Mom! Mom! Mom! MOM!!!
MOOOMMM!!!


HELEN

BERERER! BERERERER!!!


HELEN'S KIDS

WAAAA!!! WAAA!!! DADDY! I WAN PRAYSTATION FOUR!
MOMMY, I NEEDA PEE! I HAFTER BAFROOM!
WAAA WAA WAAAA!


CHRIS

Mom! I need some money! Mom,
gimme some money! Mom! Mom!
MOOOM!



PENELOPE holds her hands to her head. The room swirls, reality twists, and PENELOPE faints.


FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN-


EXTERIOR- UTAH BADLANDS




PENELOPE

Uhhhh...


DAVID CARRADINE

You have returned. What enlightenment did you
find on your quest? What mystic knowledge
did you learn from the Old Ones?


PENELOPE

Well, basically... don't be a breeder.


DAVID CARRADINE

Huh?


PENELOPE

And Darth Vader is my father, and my brother
needs counseling. And Cameron Diaz is a bad
choice for a girlfriend.


DAVID CARRADINE

Anything else?


PENELOPE

Nope, not really. But I SO have to Livejournal this journey.



KEVIN appears out of nowhere.




KEVIN

Enough! My fingers hurt from all this goddamned typing!
The END!