Ah yes. Another Thursday, another Smjor. I will start out today addressing a question that was posed to me by a friend. What are the rules about dating someone whom isn't your age? How young is too young? How old is too old? I, for one, had no idea why she was asking me, since I have a pretty shitty record for picking age-appropriate dating companions. But anywayÉ if you are out of high school, but still in the first four years of college, anyone younger than a high school junior is too young. If you are out of high school and out of college, any one who isn't at least a sophomore in college is too young. 15 years is too big of an age gap for anyone. Now just reverse all of these rules to see if the person is too old. It works both ways, duh. If you are still in high school, then you have no business dating a guy who already has his doctorate in cradle robbing. Okay. Enough. Here's your goddamn advice, you ungrateful serfs.



Q: At twenty four years old, I am still looking for an irresistibly attractive man. I don't necessarily want the "right man", in fact, he could be completely wrong - but I want to be unable to help falling for him. I've dated lots of really nice boys, but I have yet to find a man. Where do I look? How do I look? And am I looking for the right thing?

A: Honey, you are major league fucked up. You want to fall for a guy, regardless of whether or not he is "the right man"? Whatever. It is my own personal philosophy that you should avoid falling for a person at all costs. In fact, I try to avoid even LIKING a guy until I'm sure he's not going to fuck me over. Now I'm not going to get all preachy on you here, because I just recently broke my own rule, so I have no right to judge. But if I were you, I would still take all that under advisement. Don't be in such a rush to find a guy to fall for. Just go with the flow. The best guys always fall into your lap at the most unexpected (and seemingly inconvenient) times. Where do you look? How do you look? The answer is, you don't. Are you ever able to find your keys when you are looking for them? Hell no. You find them weeks later under the fucking butter-brickle ice cream in the freezer. So just relax. Don't push it. When the time (and the guy) is right, it'll happen, and you'll know.


Q: here's the scenario (I think that I spelled that right, oh well) You are going to a christian college, for music nothing else. One day someone asks you what your stance on womens rights is. So you respond that you are pro-choice...which seems like a reasonable answer. Suddenly the girl that asked you the question in the first place starts to turn red and call you a baby-killer. The rest of the class starts to come in and you think that the confrontation is overwith, wrong. Instead of letting it go she gets louder. And to make matters worse the rest of class joins in, on her side of course.
Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the colourful antics of right-wing anti-womens rights nazi crackbaby christians??

A: There is no way to deal logically with these people. They are insane. Now all you Christians don't get pissed off at me. I'm not saying that all Christians are insane. I'm not saying that all pro-lifers are insane. What I am saying is that the crusading nazi Christian fanatics who bomb abortion clinics and kill doctors to "save innocent lives" are insane. Now that we have that established, my advice to you is this: piss these people off as much as possible. Fight them, and do it on their own terms. If they are holding a pro-life protest/rally, then get a bunch of friends together and hold a baby-killing rally. The first amendment is your best friend. If they have the right to attack you for being pro-choice, then you have every right to attack them right back (verbally of course. I'm not allowed to encourage bloodspots in this column.)

Okay. I've gotten a few people asking me "What the fuck does "Smjor" mean?" Ha ha, wouldn't you all like to know? Well I'm having a contest. You all can send me what you think Smjor means. If you get it right, you win. You may be asking what it is you will win. I can't tell you, cause then it wouldn't be a secret. Anyway, go ahead and give it a shot. I will tell you this much: it is a real word. I did it up, and Abdul didn't pull it out of his ass. Also, do me a favour and label your emails concerning this "What is Smjor?" so that I can sort through everything a lot easier, k? This contest starts immediately and goes until someone guesses correctly. And if no one guesses correctly, well then, I keep the prize all for myself. Don't worry, it's not that impressive anyway.