welcome to the fifth edition of the monday wtf, where we "celebrate" the inane, stupid, crazy, distasteful, and just plain weird crap that has happened in the past week. this doesn't necessarily limit itself to the internet, or just whatthefuck.com, but sometimes those are the easy pickings. if you'd like to submit something that you feel should be highlighted, information on how to do so is at the bottom of this column, and every column hereafter.

you guys are a bunch of useless motherfuckers, you know that?

since this is the last edition of the monday wtf before the end of 2009, i feel like i need to do some kind of year in review, or perhaps a decade in review. on the other hand, we've only done this five times, and i have a very bad case of apathy. so much apathy that i'm struggling to write anything after this sentence.

haha, just kidding.

so, in news that anyone probably expected, ivana trump was escorted off a plane after getting ticked off about kids running around like the assholes they are. now, i can understand getting upset. i can really understand it when you're a prissy, uptight rich bitch hell bent on destroying everything around you. the real kicker? the little addition that she just got divorced from husband number four. since when was marriage like pokemon?

it's always nice to know that the united states doesn't have a monopoly on public figures getting all balled up in sexual depravity. an 86 year old indian governor resigned his post one day after a television network broadcasted a tape with him in bed with three other women. i'm really torn on this, you see. first of all, i had no idea they could show that on tv out there. second, it takes a real man to be able to handle three women in bed. third, he's eighty-six fucking years old. i'm not even 30 and i can't make that happen. good on ya, and enjoy retirement.

detroit is america's third world country in some ways. the city has become somewhat of a ghost town compared to the size of the city, and since there isn't enough of a tax base to support a city that size, there are some loltastic-if-you-don't-think-about-it moments with crime, fire, demolition, and urban decay. so, somehow, weird news from detroit doesn't surprise me. on the other hand, when you combine it with pure, unabashed badassery, we have a wtf win. a man walks into a diner in warren, mi, with a five inch knife in his chest. someone tried to mug him, he wouldn't hand over any money, and then he was stabbed all the way to the handle. he then walked a mile to the diner, sat down, ordered a coffee, and then did the ambulance call. shit.

brussel sprouts make you fart. they also make sea turtles fart. in fact, they fart so much that if they don't drain the water a little, then overflow sensors start triggering due to water sloshing over from gas bubbles. i wonder if i am related.

what does marsellus wallace look like? yeah, yeah, old meme, cut me some slack, it was christmas. ungrateful bastards.