the monday wtf
i love you, florida
welcome to the nineteenth edition of the monday wtf, where we "celebrate" the inane, stupid, crazy, distasteful, and just plain weird crap that has happened since the last time we posted. this doesn't necessarily limit itself to the internet, or just whatthefuck.com, but sometimes those are the easy pickings. if you'd like to submit something that you feel should be highlighted, information on how to do so is at the bottom of this column, and every column hereafter.
long time no see, jackasses. unfortunately, it hasn't been any easier coming up with this crap, since no one even bothers. why, i aughtta... oh, nevermind. you're going to get a lot of old crap with the new crap here.
there aren't many times that fantasy meets reality, and that goes for hollywood as well. i'm not talking about the fake people, fake boobs, or fake sets, i'm just talking about stories. one of the best stories to come to theaters over the past few years must be snakes on a plane with samuel jackson, and it almost came true... in the creepiest way. some guy at miami international airport was caught trying to smuggle snakes onto a plane in his pants. sure, he also had some tortoises... in his pants, but that doesn't fit my story. anyway, i really hope the tsa agent said something like, "we don't need any of these motherfuckin snakes on that motherfuckin plane!"
i doubt it, though.
one thing i've enjoyed about doing this column is how many 'wtf' moments come out of florida. usually it involves some guy in a wife-beater doing something stupid involving alcohol, fire, guns, or some combination of the three, but once in a while you get a nice heart-warming wtf out of america's protrusion. a man discovered something had washed ashore on florida's coastline, and thought it was some kind of gigantic sea-beast. when he went to investigate, he found an eight-foot tall, 100 pound lego man instead of that sea-beast. he had the decency to call in the cops, and then stand it upright so everyone could gawk, and now you can share in the pleasure.
do you have a little in the middle, but not much back? feel like a new car, with little to no junk in your trunk? do you have a flat bottom? it seems pretty obvious that you should buy a few cans of fix-a-flat, located at your nearest auto parts store, target, or wal-mart! some may know about fix-a-flat, a sealant compound used to temporarily (and sometimes permanently) fix minor abrasions in a tire to allow it to be used again. someone in florida (see? again!) pretended to be a doctor, and used a mixture containing fix-a-flat, cement, super glue, and mineral oil for injection into the buttocks of those looking for a certain "look" without so much "cash". that person is now under arrest after one of their "patients" had a few "complications", none of which were "where the hell did that come from". this picture says a thousand words.
everyone loves a good hot for teacher story, but this time, it isn't your standard teacher-has-sex-with-student issue. instead, while at school, the teacher was maintaining a porn site. now, digging in a little more, you can see that it was only up for a day or two, and that she was also working with someone in the police department with whom she may have been romantic linked, but that's irrelevant. scandal! sex! slutty teachers! oh, yeah.
in lighter news, people are still idiots. someone posted on craigslist that they wanted to buy some weed. the police showed up instead. excellent work.
meanwhile, in russia....