Smjör!

Smjor Uber Alles!

Hoi hoi readers of mine! Profuse apologies for not being more timely, but my lack of a personal computer has made this hard to get going. Add to that the fact that recently my life has kind of resembled an episode of The Real World gone terribly wrong and you can see how things have been busy. You all remember that horrible episode where the roommates voted to kick Puck out and everything was nasty and bitter and uncomfortable? That episode sucked. Anyway, to make it all up to you, I've compiled a Super-Column, if you will, of advice for all my lost little lambs. So grab a can of Mountain Dew, some Doritos, and prepare yourself for the mother of all advice enemas.



Q: hey there..
I have a question for you yeah yeah it's a chick thing. ( I'm a guy btw) I'm going out with a chick and have been for a wee while.. and it's been great.. we've been going out together, and getting on really well.. but now that were both starting to settle into life in general I find that she's constatnly trying to change me.. sort of make me do things her way.. or the way she thinks I should do them... I've talked to her about it.. and she apologised and all that .. but she's still doing it.. all I want is for her to like me for me.. not someone I'm not.. I'm not really talking about the pedantic (fucked if I know how to spell that) things.. it's things like .. well I drink a bit.. not heavily and not that often.. and I do really enjoy it.. and she used to be cool with that, even tho she doesn't drink at all.. but now she wants me to stop drinking altogether except for the occasional glass of wine over dinner. Maybe that's not a great example but.. ahh shit I don't know..

well that's my delema lend me your thoughts..
I just don't want to end it all over something that is fixable.. .. here's hoping it is..

A: This happens in a lot of relationships. There are generally two reasons why. Reason "A": you were a lot different when you two were dating, and now you've "let yourself go" so to speak. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. It's called dating behavior, everyone does it, and the truest test of the strength of a relationship is whether or not you two can stick together through the transition back into normal behavior. It's always a little disappointing for the other person when you realize that your girlfriend/boyfriend isn't perfect after all and that s/he was just hiding all the bad stuff until later.
Option "B" is that she settled for you in the hopes that she would be able to change what she didn't like. She's gotten her hooks set deep into you, and now "Operation Put-The-Goddamn-Seat-Down!" will begin.
If the issue is reason "A" then the best advice I have for you two is to just tough it out and try to ignore it. This too shall pass. If it's option "B" then you're fucked. She isn't truly happy with you, and she never will be, so even if you can get used to the nagging the relationship is doomed to end in a fiery ball of bitterness and nasty answering machine messages. I would suggest that you talk to your chickey-babe about this before anything progresses beyond the realm of redemption.



Q: ok i meet this chick and i like here very much and i think she likes me but when we get to the kissing parts she freezes up and pulls away and get really unsecure and starts to giggle why? what can i do to prevent it?

A: A lot of people, especially ones who aren't very experienced, do this. It's a sign that they are embarrassed or feel inadequate. The best thing for you to do is to just ignore it. If you move in to kiss her and she starts giggling, just keep kissing her. Chances are she won't resist, because secretly she wants you to be a little forceful (Note I didn't say pin her down and get it on). It's the best way to shut her up, and it just kind of plunges her right in so that she doesn't have time to think about it. Kind of like when your mean uncle threw you off the dock into the lake to teach you to swim.



Q: In my life I haven't done anything major in my life that I regret. But there is one thing that has been bothering me for a year now. A wonderful girl, whom I have no way of contacting now, was completely crazy about me. But me, being a complete jack-ass at the time, ignored her. Now she is gone for good, and I kick my own ass everyday for this. I've been involved with other girls since this but why do I still regret this choice??

A: Of course my first question is going to be: Why can't you contact her anymore? Did she die? Did she have a restraining order put out on you? I think that you're not being resourceful enough. I can't tell you why you regret this choice, but I do know that facing the issue (and her) straight up will help resolve everything. So find her. Do everything you can short of stalking her if you need to, but find her and let her know that not taking her up on her offer was the biggest mistake of your life. Grovel. Beg. Plead. Flatter. Anything and everything. Maybe she'll have mercy and forgive you, maybe she won't. Either way, you'll be able to sleep a little better at night.



Q: I have a problem with a coworker. I used to consider her a good friend, but her recent actions have made this hard to justify. She has spent the last two weeks insulting my masculenity, but only when one of the other girls is present, and it's a specific girl that she does it around. Otherwise, she is nice and it is easy to have a conversation with her. She does not do this with any of the other guys. Any ideas why this is happening? Thanks for anything you can give.

A: One of two things is happening here. A- Chick A (your friend) wants to stay on your good side, so she's nice to you. But she wants to stay on chick B's (the other chick) good side also, and chick B doesn't like you, thus the taunting. If this is the situation, then you need to tell both chick A and chick B to suck it and write them both off as psycho hose beasts.
The other possibility is that chick A really digs you, but she's doing that junior high "I'll-Pretend-I-Don't-Like-Him-So-That-No-One-Will-Suspect" game. If this is the case then put your mack down and go for it.
Either way, you need to confront Sybil and ask her what the hell is going on.



Q: so i have something i'd like to hear your input on. I have a friend who is a sophomore, who is currently going out with a guy who is a senior. now in my own little set of morals and what not, i find that fringing, sort of, on a taboo, but hey there's exceptions right? Anyways the catch is that her b/f just happens to be best friends with her 18 y/o brother. i can just picture it now, them sitting in the hottub talking about their "conquests", and with one slip of the tongue share too much...Am i being to judgemental or does this really just seem like something to stay the hell away from in the first place?

A: Mind your own goddamn business. Seriously. This isn't anything that should be concerning you. If the boyfriend is dumb enough to talk about the details of getting his groove on with his best friend's sister, then he will get what's coming to him. Either way, you don't need to worry about it. I sense that you are just looking for anything to be wrong here, maybe because you secretly like this chick and you don't want her going out with anyone else? Maybe because you are jealous that she is able to maintain stable relationships while you continuously fail due to your overzealous pessimism? I don't know, but whatever the case or the outcome, it's none of your business.



So that's it for this week. Now that I've got a posh desk job and a little more free time, I'm hoping to put my columns out more regularly (screw you Ripe) but I'm not going to make any promises (screw you Watcher.)
smjor is bitter, pissed, an a little psychotic: the perfect advice columnist, standing up for the truth no matter how much it hurts. you may send comments, questions, or calls for help to her at smjor@whatthefuck.com.
username: password: