I fucking hate corporate America. End rant. Begin column.



Q: There's a girl I went out with once that I think had a thing for me. The problem is that she's really fucking weird and I really can't stand to be around her. Also, my sister likes her (as a friend) and is trying to hook us up despite my telling her that I don't want anything to do with the girl. (btw, this girl got someone thrown out of school because she "thought he had a hitlist." He didn't actually have one.)

A: Ummm... yeah. Where's the question? I don't want to sound like an English teacher here, but I didn't see a single question mark in the whole paragraph, thus there really wasn't a question. I'm sorry, you are not a winner. Please buy Smjor and play again.



Q: Does your "fucked if you do (tell your best friend you're in love with her), fucked if you don't but fucked and you'll regret if you don't still apply when you're queer you've fallen for your straight best friend?

A: Absolutely, although it could turn out you'll be more fucked if you do tell her. If your friend is straight, then I wouldn't tell her if I were you. There's nothing good that will come of it if you do. It would be a totally different situation if there was even a snowball's chance in hell that your friend might say, "Yeah, I like you that way too. I'm so glad you told me, let's go have sex." But you have to face the truth: that's not going to happen, and by telling her, you have no chance of getting your friend to date you, and you might even end up alienating him/her. A lot of straight people who are okay with having gay friends aren't okay with having gay friends who are attracted to them. Tread carefully young Jedi, and may the force be with you.



Q: Talk about a fucked up relationship I've been dating this girl for about 9 months. During the 9 months I noticed that she was very friendly with her 1/2 brother. I questioned her about this friendship. I thought it was too weird how they were always touching each other. She said "he is my brother I could never be with him in a sexual way!" She was telling me how much she loved me and really wanted to get married! Well time moved on and I caught her fucking her brother in a pick up truck outside of a bar. What caused this stupid situation? What do I do now? Try to work through it, call Jerry Springer, get help from Smjor, or say what the fuck and go watch Crocodile Hunter?

A: Inbreeding is what caused this stupid situation, and inbreeding is where it will lead. Sorry to tell you this, but your chickey-babe is a psycho. Not only is she schtuping her own brother (close enough) but she's cheating on you. That's two strikes against her. If I were you, I wouldn't wait for the third. You'll never be able to work it out (we're talking incest here, man!) skip Jerry Springer and forget about any help from me. This is way beyond my control or experience (thank god.) Go watch Crocodile Hunter. It's the best show on TV that doesn't feature swearing eight year olds or gratuitous nudity, and that guy has a bad ass accent. Trust me, a few hours of vegetating in the outback and you'll feel better.



Q: I never though I would do this but what the hell, here goes.
I'm currently dating two girls right now and they don't know about each other. I know, you can yell asshole all you wan't, I am one. I only started dating the second girl because realistically I have shut myself off emotionally and thought that I didn't care about either of them. I suppose the real problem is that things have changed. I care for one of them now even though I know she's gonna hurt me. I wan't to tell her how I feel and explain things in an attempt at redemption but I know how this could affect our relationship which could otherwise be awesome. The one that I don't care about in that way is a good friend of mine and has been for a while and I don't want to ruin the friendship. I realize I've backed myself into a corner here and was just wondering what advice you had.
Once again, feel free to call me an asshole, I already feel bad about it though so it probably won't achieve much.

A: You're fucked. I truly believe that you realize what an asshole you are, and therefore the recovery process has already begun. It's kind of like being an alcoholic. The first step to recovery is admitting it to yourself. Unfortunately, admitting that you1re an asshole won't undo the asshole things you did, and it won't make the situation any less fucked. You need to make some tough decisions and I can't help you there. You need to decide what is important to you, what you really want, and how much you're willing to sacrifice to get that. Best case scenario, you get the girl, she doesn1t hurt you, and you stay friends with the other chick. Worst case scenario, you dump the friend for the love interest, she tears your heart to shreds and then your former best friend's shoulder isn't there to cry on. If you get the best scenario then you got really lucky, now behave yourself and enjoy it. If you end up with the worst case scenario, you got what you deserved, now you start rebuilding, hopefully learning from your past mistakes.