Smjör!
God no! Not the buttworms!
I hate my cats. check this out: I have spent more on healthcare/maintenance for my cats in the last two weeks than I have on my own healthcare in the last six months. fuck them dude. seriously. I got my baby boy fixed (in your face, ripe. I'm all about genital mutilation on males, oh yeah!) then had to give them both flea shit, and now, the worst ever: butt worms. or tapeworms, if you want to be technical about it. either way, they are these totally icky, nasty little white things that were crawling out of my cat's butts. so after a sleepless night during which I woke often to re-sanitize my bed and anything else that might be infected, I locked my cats in the closet, went off to the vet and paid more money to get rid of these things. I fucking hate my cats. the point of this whole rant? if you find out that your pet has parasites, don't do what I did. I promptly got on the internet and researched animal parasites to find out exactly what these fuckers were all about. in the process I gathered some other, unwanted info about parasites, and now I'm so fucking paranoid I can't even drink tap water because I actually know what's in it. that's today's lesson. commence rant.
Q: life has been hell. my son died september 2 in a fire. about 4 or 5 days later i find out its an arson. the next day i find out it was a homicide. shortly after that i find out that my son was intended victim. when it happened only my ex and the two kids were at home. her and her other child escape with minor burns. now i've been informed there are two suspects in the case. im not one of them. but she is. i just wanted to know if u'd fell half as nearly fucked up as i do if this happened to you.
i dont know what to do. theres so many questions i need answers to that noone can help me with. and no this isnt bullshit. i wish it was. what would u think had gone on in these circumstances. i'm probably not makin anysense now so i'll end this now. whatthefuck is about all i can say.
A: as for whether I'd feel nearly as fucked up as you given the situation, I would have to answer yes. I would be practically out of my mind at this point. as for what I think had gone on in these circumstances... I'm not in a position to tell you what might or might not have gone on here. I don't know what to tell you, other than I do not envy you at all, and I hope for everyone's sake that it turns out your wife didn't set the fire. other than that, I have no other advice to give you that wouldn't be both trite and useless.
Q: what the fuck do i do?
A: riiiiiiight.... moving on...
Q: how the hell do you pronouce your name?
I've got the whole english dept. here at my college trying to figure it out...
A: the reason no one in your English department can't pronounce it is probably because it's not English. it's Icelandic. it's a brand name of butter (which you would know if you bothered to read any of my old columns ::grumble grumble::) and it's pronounced "smyor." kind of. I guess you'd just have to hear it to understand.
Q: first off i cant spell so dont get all bitchy second my friend thinks hes got busted with weed his parents came to him and said you know if your holding weed for some one you can tell use. well hes not holding it for some one hes holding it for him he dosent know what to do about it eather should he tell his parents or go one with dealing with there stuped bullshit talks or should he lie about it and blam it on some one or jsut keep his mouth shut theres a lot of choices and none sound good right know so what the fuck ?
A: here's a novel idea: stop smoking weed. don't get me wrong here, I'm all about advocating drug use if you know what you're getting yourself into. but if your friend is still living with his parents, then he is responsible for living with their rules. now perhaps if he had tyrannical parents who were laying down completely unreasonable rules I might have some sympathy. but all his parents are asking of him is to obey the law. unfair as it may seem, possessing pot, smoking pot, selling pot - these things are all illegal. so the way I see it, your friend has three choices: he can quit smoking pot, he can move out of the house and get stoned all the time, or he can continue to lie to his parents and hope that he doesn't get caught, cause then the shit is really going to hit the fan.
Q: Okay here is the prob. Me and my ex dated for about a year and in that time i fell in love with her and she did with me, Or so i thought. We broke up for a month and then we started dating again. We dated untill two days before graduation may 2000, that is when she told me that when we broke upo she had been seing this guy in Louisiana, and he showed up that day and she was dumping me for him. Today I get an E-mail from her saying she wants to try again and that she never has been in love with him like she was with me. What the hell do I do I still care for her and I am torn because my friend hates her and yet I still care for her. Help me smjor.
A: forget about her. she's using you and you shouldn't stand for it. end of story. just let it go. tell her she's taken you for granted one too many times and that you're done with her. then go find yourself a nice, stable chick to soothe the pain for you.
Q: I had sex with a twenty year old guy. Im sixteen and I thought I loved him! Well we had sex and everyone found out. Even this guy Irving well he thinks we had sex in his house, so hedecided to spred a rumor. He told everyone that I said me and Ramon have clamitia because he slept with this chick amber who supposadly has clamitia also. Now Erin his X-girlfriend a psyco manson chick, his "soul mate", found out. Now she stalks me after fucking work and even fucking threatens me daily. What should I do?
A: firstly, this guy is fucked for having sex with you. what he did was illegal. and you should use that to your advantage. his girlfriend is stalking you? well, she's also doing something illegal. you can go to the cops, but then your parents will find out that you had sex with this guy, which I'm guessing you don't want to happen. so you call this guy, and you tell him that his creepy girlfriend is stalking you. tell him that if she doesn't stop, you'll tell your parents that you two had sex, and then he'll go to jail for statutory rape. chances are, you won't see hide nor hair of this stalker chick again.
Q: I have a huge problem. My best friend is playing host to this chick from out of town. Nobody really wants her here, but she kind of invited herself. Anyway, she's a total bitch. She's been talking shit about me behind my back, she's trying to force her way into my friend's bed, and she's just been an all around pain in the ass. Do you think I'd be arrested if I threw her off of our balcony?
A: Yes, you will be arrested if you throw her off of the balcony. but you won't be arrested if you treat her like the human garbage she is. don't come right out and tell her how much you want her to die a grisly death, that would lack tact. be subtle in telling her that you hate her. piss in her shoes. put gum in her hair when she's sleeping. if you have cats with fleas like I do, catch a couple of the little buggers and send them home to her in her luggage. go right ahead and get your revenge, just be sneaky about it so that she can't technically trace it back to you.
Q: life has been hell. my son died september 2 in a fire. about 4 or 5 days later i find out its an arson. the next day i find out it was a homicide. shortly after that i find out that my son was intended victim. when it happened only my ex and the two kids were at home. her and her other child escape with minor burns. now i've been informed there are two suspects in the case. im not one of them. but she is. i just wanted to know if u'd fell half as nearly fucked up as i do if this happened to you.
i dont know what to do. theres so many questions i need answers to that noone can help me with. and no this isnt bullshit. i wish it was. what would u think had gone on in these circumstances. i'm probably not makin anysense now so i'll end this now. whatthefuck is about all i can say.
A: as for whether I'd feel nearly as fucked up as you given the situation, I would have to answer yes. I would be practically out of my mind at this point. as for what I think had gone on in these circumstances... I'm not in a position to tell you what might or might not have gone on here. I don't know what to tell you, other than I do not envy you at all, and I hope for everyone's sake that it turns out your wife didn't set the fire. other than that, I have no other advice to give you that wouldn't be both trite and useless.
Q: what the fuck do i do?
A: riiiiiiight.... moving on...
Q: how the hell do you pronouce your name?
I've got the whole english dept. here at my college trying to figure it out...
A: the reason no one in your English department can't pronounce it is probably because it's not English. it's Icelandic. it's a brand name of butter (which you would know if you bothered to read any of my old columns ::grumble grumble::) and it's pronounced "smyor." kind of. I guess you'd just have to hear it to understand.
Q: first off i cant spell so dont get all bitchy second my friend thinks hes got busted with weed his parents came to him and said you know if your holding weed for some one you can tell use. well hes not holding it for some one hes holding it for him he dosent know what to do about it eather should he tell his parents or go one with dealing with there stuped bullshit talks or should he lie about it and blam it on some one or jsut keep his mouth shut theres a lot of choices and none sound good right know so what the fuck ?
A: here's a novel idea: stop smoking weed. don't get me wrong here, I'm all about advocating drug use if you know what you're getting yourself into. but if your friend is still living with his parents, then he is responsible for living with their rules. now perhaps if he had tyrannical parents who were laying down completely unreasonable rules I might have some sympathy. but all his parents are asking of him is to obey the law. unfair as it may seem, possessing pot, smoking pot, selling pot - these things are all illegal. so the way I see it, your friend has three choices: he can quit smoking pot, he can move out of the house and get stoned all the time, or he can continue to lie to his parents and hope that he doesn't get caught, cause then the shit is really going to hit the fan.
Q: Okay here is the prob. Me and my ex dated for about a year and in that time i fell in love with her and she did with me, Or so i thought. We broke up for a month and then we started dating again. We dated untill two days before graduation may 2000, that is when she told me that when we broke upo she had been seing this guy in Louisiana, and he showed up that day and she was dumping me for him. Today I get an E-mail from her saying she wants to try again and that she never has been in love with him like she was with me. What the hell do I do I still care for her and I am torn because my friend hates her and yet I still care for her. Help me smjor.
A: forget about her. she's using you and you shouldn't stand for it. end of story. just let it go. tell her she's taken you for granted one too many times and that you're done with her. then go find yourself a nice, stable chick to soothe the pain for you.
Q: I had sex with a twenty year old guy. Im sixteen and I thought I loved him! Well we had sex and everyone found out. Even this guy Irving well he thinks we had sex in his house, so hedecided to spred a rumor. He told everyone that I said me and Ramon have clamitia because he slept with this chick amber who supposadly has clamitia also. Now Erin his X-girlfriend a psyco manson chick, his "soul mate", found out. Now she stalks me after fucking work and even fucking threatens me daily. What should I do?
A: firstly, this guy is fucked for having sex with you. what he did was illegal. and you should use that to your advantage. his girlfriend is stalking you? well, she's also doing something illegal. you can go to the cops, but then your parents will find out that you had sex with this guy, which I'm guessing you don't want to happen. so you call this guy, and you tell him that his creepy girlfriend is stalking you. tell him that if she doesn't stop, you'll tell your parents that you two had sex, and then he'll go to jail for statutory rape. chances are, you won't see hide nor hair of this stalker chick again.
Q: I have a huge problem. My best friend is playing host to this chick from out of town. Nobody really wants her here, but she kind of invited herself. Anyway, she's a total bitch. She's been talking shit about me behind my back, she's trying to force her way into my friend's bed, and she's just been an all around pain in the ass. Do you think I'd be arrested if I threw her off of our balcony?
A: Yes, you will be arrested if you throw her off of the balcony. but you won't be arrested if you treat her like the human garbage she is. don't come right out and tell her how much you want her to die a grisly death, that would lack tact. be subtle in telling her that you hate her. piss in her shoes. put gum in her hair when she's sleeping. if you have cats with fleas like I do, catch a couple of the little buggers and send them home to her in her luggage. go right ahead and get your revenge, just be sneaky about it so that she can't technically trace it back to you.
smjor is bitter, pissed, an a little psychotic: the perfect advice columnist, standing up for the truth no matter how much it hurts. you may send comments, questions, or calls for help to her at smjor@whatthefuck.com.