Hello hello! I'll start this column out with a little re-introduction of myself. Since I haven't posted a column in quite some time, some of you newbies might be quite unfamiliar with me. I am part bitch, part Dear Abby, part Heloise's helpful hints, and part dumb kid who just uses her common sense, which is more than a lot of people do. I may come off as exceedingly scathing in my advice, but that's just the way I am. If you have a problem with the bitch factor, I suggest you not send me any questions to answer. But for the rest of you non-bleeding heart pussies, please feel free to send me any and all questions that you may have about anything at all. As I am so fond of saying, I can advise you on how to train your boyfriend or your dog, how to get your socks thier whitest and how to ruin your ex-boyfriend's new car. So e-mail me any time at smjor@whatthefuck.com. Now, on with the show.



Q: The story goes that I have known a girl for about a year, met her up at college, and have gotten to become really good friends. Just like every stupid movie and story goes...you guessed it, I fall for her like a rock. She is like the epidemy of all that I look for in a girl, and I am so happy when I am around her. I love the way that I feel when I am around her, and how she makes me feel. Problem is she has a boyfriend, thing is one night in a drunken stupor I coness how I feel for her, her being in tears tells me that she cares alot about me too and bla bla bla, but doesnt want to ruin a perfectly good relationship or something like that. Going on our second year now we are really good friends but I cant help these feelings I have for her. I guess I feel that I will never have her, belive me I have tried it all.

What do I do ? Please help !

-Dont know speeling or punctuation to good in Arkansas


A: A drunken confession of true love! How romantic. I was beginning to wonder what had happened to chivalry and all that. I guess romance isn't dead. It's just passed out in a drunken stupor. Anyway, my advice to you is that you're screwed. I've been in this sort of situation, and it's pretty much hopeless. She is either giving you a line because she doesn't think you are dating material, or she really doesn't want to ruin the friendship you two have together. Either way, she's made her decision, and if you haven't managed to change her mind yet, you probably won't for a while. But don't stop being friends with her. And you never know. Maybe someday, after enough shitty relationships with other guys, she'll realize that you're the one that she really belongs with.




Q: I just joined wtf.com and I really like the articles, only one problem, I would like to write some too, is there any way I can do this?

-"What's a run-on sentence?", Colorado


A: Unfortunately, since Abdul has been removed as an admin, WTF is no longer handing out column positions like malaria vaccinations in fucking India. And seeing as how you managed to make one statement and ask two questions using only one question mark and a shit load of commas, I'm guessing that you wouldn't make the final cut, now that we actually have standards that our columnists must live up to. But for those of you who didn't fail Basic English 101, feel free to send a submission to either Greywarden, Oz, or myself. Don't be afraid, we aren't column nazis or anything like that.

 

 

Q: Ok. When my (now) ex-b/f and I broke up, 2 weeks later he started going out with my (now) ex best-friend. Ironically my ex is 17 and my ex friend is 22. They came to my house and told me. Since I not the agressive type I cried and was upset. I was also furous and pissed. Unfortunatley I never said anything. So about a month later I told my ex best friend off. Went total bitch mode on her. And she got pissed saying I still wanted my ex and all this BS(which I did't want my ex he is an ass). So now we don't talk. But because my current b/f is friends with my ex b/f I see them frequently. I reconciliated with my ex b/f, because he appologized and had a long conversation with him. My ex and my b/f know me and my ex friend don't get along so they try not to plan things together or tell us to ignore each other. For me its very awkward because I was friends with her for such a long time. Now when we all hang out we placate each other. Its very immature to me that we have to do this. I tried talking to her so we can let bygons be bygons, but she told me to fuck off. What should I do?

-Is booking date for appearance on Jerry Springer, New Hampshire


A: Riiiight... I say forget the whole lot of them. They both comitted the biggest of dating sins. They both seem kind of lame and backstabbing. Why would you make up with a best friend like that? Don't bother. Cut your losses and walk away from the whole situation. Oh, and get yourself a dictionary and look up ironic, because I don't think it means what you think it means. A 17 year old guy going out with a 22 year old chick isn't ironic. (Unless there's some other part of the story you didn't tell me.) It's unhealthy, kind of wrong, and just plain weird, but not ironic.

 

 

Q: I have a problem with my boyfriend, of almost 4 months. "Joe" seems to care very little about me anymore. It was a long and complicated process to beging going out with him in the first place, and we were both very happy when we first started going out. I am in love with him, and he tells me that he loves me too. However, we haven't hung out alone together in almost a month. The other day, we went to the movies with a big group of people. We went to the diner afterwards, and as we were leaving, before he got into his parent's car, he was saying bye to everybody, and giving hugs (which is what we usually do) and he goes to leave, and I was like, "Bye Joe", and he said, "Oh, bye". No kiss, no hug, nothing. I love him a lot, and I don't want to break up with him. He has told me before, that he wouldn't break up with me, and lately I have been feeling like I'm burdening him. My friends told me that I need to talk to him, but I don't know what to say. Whatthefuck should I do?

-N*SYNC RULES! I LUV U CARSON DALY!!!, Connecticut


A: How old are you? I'm going to assume not very, since he's riding home in his parent's car. I'm guessing you're either in junior high or freshmen in high school. So here's the deal: if you're not happy, dump him. I got news for you - it won't last. Relationships in high school aren't meant to last. They're practice runs for real life. So it's not worth the pain and agony and heartache that you're putting into it. Dump him and find someone who pays a little bit of attention to you and doesn't blow you off all the time.

 

 

Q: I had sex with a twenty year old guy. Im sixteen and I thought I loved him! Well we had sex and everyone found out. Even this guy Irving well he thinks we had sex in his house, so he decided to spred a rumor. He told everyone that I said me and Ramon have clamitia because he slept with this chick amber who supposadly has clamitia also. Now Erin his X-girlfriend a psyco manson chick, his "soul mate", found out. Now she stalks me after fucking work and even fucking threatens me daily. What should I do?

-Doesn't own a dictionary, Nebraska

A: So, like, was it e-mail day at the home for special people? Anyway... ummm... What the hell were you doing sleeping with a twenty year old? And now some chick is stalking you? Normally I'd advise you to call the police and turn this stalking chick in, but then they would probably find out about the twenty year-old who fucked you, and your sweetie pie would be hauled off to jail for statutory rape. And I;m guessing you don't want that. So I guess your best bet would be to threaten the stalking chick by telling her to lay off or you will call the police. Hopefully she won't know that you're lying.

Oh, and lay the fuck off of scary manson people. I fucking hate it when people label other people who listen to him. You all make it such a big deal, just because it's him. Bullshit. I bet if she was a huge Police fan you wouldn't be labeling her some "psycho Sting chick." Fuck you. But then again, you're 16, and probably don't even know who the fuck the Police were. So fuck you again. Go away.

Smjor need food. So very hungry...

 

Hey, so sorry about that guys. I was running on about two hours sleep and hadn't eaten in about 18, so i kind of slipped into a hallucinating kind of half-coma. I'm better now, and ready to finish this up.

 

Q: Helllo, about two months ago me and a girl started going out and i fell in love with her and about two weeks ago she told me that she couldnt go out with me any more. Her first reason she told me was cause she was having family problems so i accepted it. Then about a week ago i was talking to her as a friend and she was really depressed so i asked what was wrong and she wouldnt tell me so i kept asking he and she finnaly told me that the realy reason that she broke up with me was cause her exboyfriend sent her a letter and told her that she was still loved her, that is why she broke it off with me. I guess what i am asking is should i accept it and go on with my life or should i try to win her back from her ex which also lives a long way away. please email me back Thanks

-Being strung along and doesn't know it, Seattle

A: Forget about her. She's still obsessed with her ex and no matter what you do, she won't care. I've witnessed situations like this first hand, and they're never pretty. Move on, and find yourself a nice, unattached chick that isn't using you to fill the time until her ex comes back.

 

 

Q: I am 18, and I am seeing this girl who is 14. We go to boarding schools, mine is all-male, hers all-female, so we dont actually see each other very often. My problem is, should I have sex with her? She has brought this up, in a "when?" sort of context....wtf should I do? I really like her, but I'm not sure I want to go to jail just yet. Help!!

-Secretly wants to be gang-banged in the ass, Florida

A: Should you have sex with her? Not unless you relish the thought of being a 300lb. Black convict's bitch for the next five to ten (cheers Abdul!) You're eighteen. She's fourteen. There isn't even a chance that sex with her would be legal, or smart. Even if you get away with it, she will guaranteed go all psycho on you. Fourteen year-olds get obsessive that way. That's why boy bands are so popular. But that is a whole different rant altogether. Don't fuck this chick, and don't fuck around with this chick. Find someone your own age to play with.

 

 

Q: Dear useless pile of slut, My little brother is starting to get into the "popular" crowd at his high school. And I'm seeing that along with this popularity, drugs and sex are starting to become possibilities, too. Is there anything I can do or tell him to make him think twice about the situation he may get himself into?

-Concerned in Phoenix

A: I wish that I could give you a list of things to say to your brother that would make him see that he needs to be careful with his life, and to watch out for all of the mistakes that he could make at this point in his life. Unfortunately, he's your brother. That means that you have about a fifty-fifty shot of him actually listening to anything you say. Perhaps if you have an especially close relationship with your bother you will be able to get through to him. But chances are that he feels like he's just King Shit right now, and that your humble opinion is complete garbage.

However, I wholly encourage you to give it a shot. When my sister started in with the same crap, getting all popular, experimenting with things that she shouldn't, I tried to talk to her too. It didn't help much, but i like to think that it did a little good at least. The number one thing to remember is not to sound like your parents. Just keep it casual, so that he doesn't get defensive or anything. Sometime when you're talking to him, say a little something about your concerns, and then move on to something else. It will do you no good if you make him feel cornered, or like he has to defend himself. Also, silent dissaproval works pretty well, in my experience. No matter how it may seem, every younger sibling is silently seeking the approval of his older brother/sister. Seeing that you don't approve of something is sometimes the best deterrent.

No matter what approach you decide to take, I wish you the best of luck in getting through to him, so that I don't have to answer his questions about how to unfuck his life later.