Well, we've all had it happen to us... you're in McLeary's chatting up a storm with your friends, when in walks the n00b. A sudden hush falls over the room, a dramatic pause awaiting his first comment...

    Dammit! The room continues to talk with a little disappointment hanging over our heads. Someone tries to point out to the n00b that we don't take kindly to asl in this bar...

    Son of a bitch! And then you know it's time to for a n00b roast. So get out your lighters and gas up your flame throwers because here are some proven effective tactics to dispose of pain in the ass n00bs who you know don't belong in this room.


The Flamethrower.

    This tactic is favored by our more temperamental regs. It involves aggressiveness, a total disregard of conversations in the room, and a slew of curse words. This particular method, although entertaining to watch and partake in, is unfortunately not very effective. Most of the really annoying n00bs love to cuss, for they think it makes them 'bad.' An example of the flamethrower:

    And this basically goes on until either the n00b leaves or everyone puts him on ignore, which brings me to our next method.


The Ignore.

    This method is only effective when the entire room takes the initiative, but is quite effective. It simply is performed by everyone in the room becoming so fed up with the n00bs comments that the ignore button is used quite vicariously by the room until no one can see the annoying things he writes. So the n00b is left talking to that plant, look.

    Nothing more satisfying than a n00b realizing nobody likes him and the lovely 'bass' that accompanies his retreat back to his internet porn. But there are drawbacks to The Ignore, in that it's really no fun and it requires no creativity whatsoever. Creativity goes a long way.


The Dork.

    The Dork is a simple method where speaking over the head of the n00b is carried out until the poor guy is so confused he has no choice but to leave. There are many choice topics; religion, physics, politics, organic chemistry, or the wtf favorite of computer programming.

    The only major drawback to The Dork method is that we have to admit that we know and think about things like organic chemistry and programming in order for it to be successful. However it is simple and doesn't require delving into topics that are excessively disturbing like our next method.


The Homophobe.

    The Homophobe is really only effective for our male n00bs because n00bs of the fairer sex tend to not be so offended by same sex advances. I have found that The Homophobe method works best when enacted by a female reg against a male n00b. The n00b of course thinks it's a male and is then outraged in order to cover up his closet homosexual tendencies.

    My biggest problem with The Homophobe is of course the detail at which some wtf-ers will go in order to scare n00bs. I have to admit, there is a point where even someone secure in their sexuality gets a little grossed out. So there are really sneaky methods where no one's eardrums (eyes) are subject to foulness.


The Name Thief

    The Name Thief requires a little coercion on the part of the wtf-er. It also requires the n00b to be a little trusting and it helps if a little gullible too. This method is carried out by taking advantage of a n00b losing connection or by convincing him to leave the chat temporarily. When out of the room, wtf-er changes nic to the n00b's and therefore the n00b cannot return.

    And the poor n00b is left out in the cold wondering why he can't get back into the chat room. This method is extremely effective although difficult to pull off. However if you do pull it off and then talk to the n00b's friends with their name, it can be the most hilarious wtf moment you ever have the pleasure of partaking in.


The Dicktator

    This final n00b dispatching method is by far the easiest and most effective. Unfortunately there are only two known men who know the secret behind The Dicktator, and I am not one of them. However this is how it goes.

    Well, these are my helpful hints to the wonderful world of n00bs. Follow these guidelines and you should have no problem keeping the chat room clear of annoying misspelled words and stupid comments. Of course originality is always impressive when dealing with the n00b species. Speaking of which, some n00b is pming me... I'm off.


    Disclaimer:
    This column is strictly for entertainment purposes. Any attempt of the guidelines of this column could result in personal injury. Do not attempt these without close monkey supervision. Oh yeah... any and all names or references to members of the wtf community used in this column are not real... i.e. they do not pertain to you! Especially the thing about the egotistical_admin_wtf-er... that is not referring to anyone at all. ;-)