Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we're running out of french fries and burrito coverin's. But I got a solution.

I'll write a column. And since you should always write what you know, I've decided that my first column will be about forcing my ill-informed, yet fanatically held opinions down your throats. So, that should be fun.

I don't know how many of you there are left, and I'm sure some don't know who I am. Let me introduce myself. I'm homeslice. I don't know quite how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. And if you didn't see that coming from a mile away, then I'm very sorry. No, really. Let's never fight again. Hold me.

The following suggestions you may have heard about, you may even know. If that's the case, move in an orderly fashion to the next one. If you're blissfully unaware of the fantasticness of the things I mention in this column, then hold on to your mullet, you're in for a treat. I'll include somewhere that you can find more information on them, and/or where to purchase! Yay consumerism! All suggestions below are 100% guaranteed!* If you try any of them and do not like it, return for 110% of your money back!**

First off, The Black Keys. You know how you like rock, right? Yeah, well you know that rock and roll is basically the white people version of the blues, right? Elvis stole most of his songs from people like Chuck Berry, who were well versed in the blues. And that band you may like called Led Zeppelin? One of the most blues-influenced rock bands ever. So, even though you don't know it, you like the blues. And The Black Keys are, while technically a lo-fi rock duo (akin to the White Stripes, only not fucking creepy), guitarist and vocalist Dan Auerbach and drummer Patrick Carney throw out some of the bluesiest tunes out there today. And they rock, hard. I saw them in concert last month, and they're fantastic.

Check out: Keep Your Hands off Her, Set You Free, All Hands Against His Own

Keeping on the blues, next up is a guy named Greg Koch His last name is pronounced like "outZider" (think about it for a second, you'll get it). This guy does stuff with a Stratocaster or Telecaster I've never seen before in my life. He makes sounds come out of those things that are simultaneously etheral and obscene. His songs are mostly instrumental, but are expertly composed and go places you never expect them to. Also, he's motherfucking fast, and out of his mind. You know what they say about genius and madness, and sheep.

Check out: Zoiks, Chief's Blues, Torn Asunder. (Also, he's got several DVDs and books that teach you guitar)

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb and presume that a lot of you like the Renaissance Festival. I know, I know, crazy. But I'll take the chance. I did actually go for the first time this year, and enjoyed it. Sadly, it only took me until I got to the entrance door to recognize someone I knew. But during my excursion to the 15th century, a time in which nearly everyone was fat and tourists from the future visited regularly with their soul-stealing boxes and incomprehensible manner of speaking, I came across Owain Phyfe. What a fantastic performer. He's a fantastic guitar player and his voice is wonderful without sounding over taught. He plays and sings standard tunes in several languages, and should be searched out and listened to the next time your Ren Faire comes to town. You can also buy a few of his CDs on Amazon's Unbox.

Check out: If I Were a Blackbird, Ukrainian Love Song, Fa La La Lan

Here's the last artist, and many of you may know who he is, or at least one of his songs. His name is Jonathan Coulton, JoCo if you're nasty. If you've played the Fucking Awesome™, Portal, he wrote the end song. He's basically a geek folk singer, so he'd pretty much fit in with most of you here. He sings about egomaniacal villians, robots, creepy dolls, skanks, and zombies. All of them really, really sweetly.

Check out: Code Monkey, RE: Your Brains, Skullcrusher Mountain, The Town Crotch, and absolutely check out his cover of Baby Got Back.

Now, we're on to TV shows. First off the list is Lost. If you haven't seen Lost, then you are adopted and your genitalia is likely misshapen in someway, and I'd not be surprised if you had cloven hooves. Rent the first disc of the first season as soon as you can run your fat little legs down to the nearest video rental emporium and hair care salon. Once you regain consciousness, have a Mallomar, check your blood sugar, and put that shit in and see if you can wrap your GODDAMNED MIND AROUND THE TWO HOUR PILOT. I watched the first season and a half (while season 2 was on hiatus) in 5 days. If you don't like it, then I don't want to talk to you, because I don't speak Stupid.

Check out: The entire goddamned series. Right motherfucking now.

Okay, I'll breathe now. I get worked up sometimes.

If you like British Comedy, or hate Catholics, then I have just the thing for you. Father Ted is one of the most irreverent, funniest TV series I've seen in my life. I've probably seen every episode at least a dozen times, some more than that. It was so funny, it gave Dermot Morgan a heart attack and killed him. If that doesn't prove God exists and has a sense of humor, nothing will. Not much more I can really say about this show, except that you really should watch it.

Check out: I shot JR, Freak Pointing, The Tunnel of Goats

Finally, we have one of the most cancelled shows of all time. That's right, Firefly. You know, Star Trek was originally pitched as a western in space. Well, Dr. Joss Whedon, Esq. went ahead and actually created a western in space that was one of the most brilliantly written, superbly casted, beautifully choreographed TV series ever. But unfortunately, Fox still isn't a real network, so they totally cocked up the marketing, didn't air the pilot first (brilliant), swapped time slots (like you do) and pre-empted the show for baseball games. Baseball games. No, I'm not kidding. Anyway, if you like to not drool on your chin or dress up as Care Bears and rub yourself unnecessarily on strangers on the bus and/or subway, you'll probably enjoy the series very much. Start with the two-hour pilot, Serenity, and try to keep watching through Our Mrs. Reynolds. And then be sad when you get to the end of the series, and write letters to Fox and Universal filled with invective and probably bodily fluids of some kind, because that's basically the end result of anyone who watches it.

Check out: The Universal Pictures full-length motion picture, Serenity, which surprisingly enough also had its marketing cocked up. Make sure you watch it with Joss' commentary at least once. Trust me, you'll be very grateful you did.

So. If you have anything to say to me about this, you can always email browser hijacks and discount watch notifications to outzider@whatthefuck.com.

* No actual guarantee is either expressed or implied.
** Not really. Fuck you.